Wall Street analysts have convened to divine Nvidia’s earnings, a quarterly eclipse during which spreadsheets bleed green and metaphors file for overtime. They call it ‘Wednesday’ with the same tremble meteorologists reserve for ‘Category 5.’ Someone just asked if the price target should include the after-party.

Consensus is a theme park: enter through the valuation gate, scream on the expectations roller coaster, exit through the gift shop priced at 32 times forward nerves. One house predicts upside driven by capex momentum; another predicts downside due to gravity remembering its job. A third predicts a sideways move because destiny respects technical support more than your feelings.

Their models feature cash flows, discount rates, and a new line item called ‘miracle carryover.’ The sensitivity table is sensitive to compliments. If you toggle ‘AI forever’ to ‘AI for the next five minutes,’ the DCF folds itself into a paper crane and flies to a safer multiple.

Preparation is rigorous. One team read tea leaves, then hired a quant to backtest the teapot. Another blew into a GPU fan and declared the whir ‘bullish.’ A senior strategist explained DCF as ‘Don’t Count Fundamentals,’ and we all nodded like interns at a jargon parade.

Price targets now arrive in baroque denominations: $1,000, $1,200, and one printed on a silk banner and shot from a confetti cannon. The cautious note simply says, ‘We like the stock but fear the sun.’ Disclosures read, ‘Not investment advice; we, our children, and our descendants live in the data center now.’

Retail investors have entered the room wearing foam lightning bolts and quoting latency figures as if they were horoscopes. One pilgrim placed a ‘AI inference PCIe accelerator’ on the table like a relic, then asked if it qualified as a hedge or a centerpiece. The moderator marked them ‘overweight in vibes.’

Management says they are ‘seeing robust demand,’ which my translation team renders as ‘we sold out yesterday, tomorrow, and the theoretical day after time becomes a circle.’ Guidance is a shimmering horizon where supply constraints flirt with ethics and lead times wink. Buybacks are scheduled to prove that cash has FOMO, too.

Technical analysts point at the chart and whisper, ‘Behold, the Ascending Leather Jacket.’ The MACD crosses the RSI, and someone proposes marriage to the 50-day moving average. Fibonacci levels form a perfect golden spiral that concludes in a deli sandwich priced at market cap.

Valuation now covers three time zones and part of your childhood. The Total Addressable Market is listed as ‘all electricity that will ever exist,’ plus optionality in dreams. Bears argue margins must compress; bulls reply margins are currently bench-pressing the Statue of Liberty.

During Q&A, a voice asks if hyperscaler orders are sustainable, or if they’re just buying GPUs to impress other GPUs. Management replies that orders for ‘tensor server chassis bundle’ should remain healthy, which is CFO for ‘the trough is an all-you-can-eat buffet that screams when you look at it.’ Another analyst asks about competition and is given a coupon for patience.

As for me, I translate earnings calls into sentences and incentives into motives with exact change. I treat ‘adjusted’ numbers with the patience I reserve for relatives who bring cryptocurrency to Thanksgiving. My raised eyebrow has been placed in a climate-controlled case to avoid overuse during guidance.

On Wednesday, the stock will rally because it fell yesterday, or fall because it rallied the day before, or hover because quantum probabilities respect no man. Every outcome will be declared ‘priced in’ by noon and ‘mispriced’ by 2 p.m. And if miracles arrive quarter after quarter, I’ll simply update my model to include livestock, because clearly the goat sacrificed itself to the fan and called it free cash flow.