America’s largest purveyor of bolts you swear you bought last time has filed for bankruptcy, announcing it assembled $10 billion in debt without even the help of an Allen wrench. Executives described the liability as high-performance, low-MPG borrowing, the financial equivalent of flooring it in neutral.

In court, the company requested permission to keep operating while it ‘downshifts into character development.’ The judge, hearing the phrase ‘going concern,’ dutifully flipped on the flashing orange triangle that warns the economy of slow-moving vehicles.

The CEO said the firm relied on a time-honored strategy known as ‘buy one, pay for eighteen,’ which turns quarterly results into a subscription service. He added that the debt was built with modular pieces; unfortunately, the instructions were upside down and written in Latin, possibly by a Roman forklift.

At a press conference, a spokesperson tried to start a PowerPoint by turning a key from ‘ACC’ to ‘BANKRUPT’ and pumping the projector pedal. After eight sputters and three coughs, the presentation died doing what it loved: buffering.

Investors attempted to jump-start confidence with a cordless lithium impact wrench, because nothing says faith in management like removing lug nuts at 2,700 RPM. Analysts agreed it worked about as well as a scented air freshener on a transmission.

Restructuring advisors unveiled a plan printed on a shop towel: sell assets, torque covenants, and whisper apologies into the carburetor of history. The plan is an IKEA manual where every step is ‘install one-time charge,’ and the tiny cartoon man is crying into a ledger.

Employees were told their jobs remain essential, which is corporate for ‘we’re not sure yet, but keep inventorying the existential dread aisle.’ Morale is steady, in the same way a wobbly tire is technically circular.

Customers were reassured that warranties will be honored through a complex process involving receipts, notarized hope, and a scavenger hunt for the exact manager who said ‘yeah, bring it back anytime.’ Gift cards will be convertible to store credit, which is convertible to a feeling.

Executives posed for photos holding a budget serpentine belt kit like a religious relic, promising it would bind everything together if belief counts as torque. They then prayed facing the direction of free cash flow, which tragically is southbound in the HOV lane.

Shareholders, many of whom learned about leverage the way toddlers learn about gravity, asked if the stock might ‘bounce.’ It will, said advisors, but mostly between decimal places, like an airbag light that just won’t quit.

I combed through the filing until the footnotes admitted the debt is ‘aspirational’ and the cash burn is measured in gallons per awe. In Note 37, management confirms a ‘non-cash impairment,’ which is accountant for ‘feelings were hurt by reality.’

In the end, the company promises to emerge leaner, meaner, and somehow still offering a spring sale on regret. Until then, the check engine light stays on, helpfully reminding everyone that one-time charges are the clingy exes of finance.