Breaking: Disney shareholders have discovered a new ride called It’s A Small Return, where politics sprinkles confetti on dividends and then asks dividends to clap. They are dizzy, litigious, and yearning for Tomorrowland’s immediate payout, today.

Filing a records demand like they’re storming a vault with spreadsheets, the investors insist the Kimmel suspension turned a late-night hiccup into a moral pageant with no merch table. If it’s a culture war, they want a ticker symbol.

One investor, wearing mouse ears shaped like EBITDA, solemnly declared, “We bought a fantasy, not a filibuster.” He then threatened to replace the Seven Dwarfs with Seven Activists: Proxy, Quorum, Dilution, Poison, Greenmail, Staggered, and Carl.

Disney management countered with a statement that began as a press release and ended as a ride disclaimer. A senior executive presented a pie chart that was literally a pie, confirming at least dessert beats guidance.

Kimmel’s timeout, brief enough to qualify as a coffee break in dog years, allegedly protected the brand from political drizzle while raining directly on the stock. The board concluded the best way to avoid controversy was to talk about it for a week.

Lawyers arrived with binders so thick they needed turnstiles, waving what appeared to be a shareholder records request template printed on parchment and optimism. They cited Delaware law in the same tone people use to recite spell books in fantasy movies.

Inside the boardroom, a compliance officer tried to convert free speech into free cash flow using a pivot table and hope. Meanwhile, a synergy consultant demanded hazard pay for exposure to X, formerly Twitter, formerly a functioning mood.

The investors argued politics should be kept outside the Magic Kingdom, alongside gum and coherent timelines. The company responded that everything is politics now, including parking fees, churros, and whether Goofy is management or labor.

Publicists wheeled in an executive apology teleprompter, factory-calibrated to say “we hear you” every eighth word. It comes with a scented fog machine that smells like contrition and slightly better pre-market trading.

Cast members asked if any of this would lower the price of a bottle of water that costs more than a small internship. HR replied with a limited-time experience called Empowerment Alley, where you can choose your own performance review ending.

I read the filings until the footnotes formed a conga line, and the math says the only constant is volatility wearing mouse gloves. The call transcript is mostly an audio-animatronic saying “focus on the long term” on a loop, which was also the hold music.

In conclusion, investors don’t hate politics; they just prefer it bundled with dividends, churros, and a commemorative cup you can refill with buybacks. Consider this a one-time charge that will keep in touch.