Senate Democrats announced concern that Miran’s dual roles at the Federal Reserve and the White House have created a Schrödinger’s Independence, where monetary policy is both arm’s length and giving a piggyback ride. They described the arrangement as a fiscal mullet: central bank in the front, West Wing in the back.

Witnesses reported seeing Miran commute by scooter between Constitution Avenue and Pennsylvania Avenue, wearing two badges and exactly one facial expression: the quiet confidence of a man who’s double-booked and nonrefundable. “It’s fine,” he allegedly whispered to a potted plant, “I’m bicameral.”

Democrats proposed legislation banning “human Swiss Army knives” from simultaneously advising the fire department and the arsonist. The bill would require a “real firewall,” not the kind made of talking points, crossed fingers, and a posted note that says “DO NOT INFLUENCE.”

The White House insisted there’s no conflict because no one talks about rates unless they’re talking about them, which is never, except when it’s often, but always in a purely theoretical, who’s-to-say way. The Fed responded with its usual vow of independence, which economists define as the freedom to ignore phone calls until the press conference.

In the scramble, staffers reportedly searched procurement sites for an ethics firewall desktop kit and a contractor willing to install boundaries that are both robust and vibes-based. Procurement replied with a quote and a shrug emoji, which counts as binding under modern governance.

At a hearing, senators passed around prop hats labeled “INDEPENDENT” and “SURE, JAN,” while a chart of confidence in institutions looked like a flat soufflé. One senator asked if Miran keeps separate mugs for monetary and fiscal beverages, or just swirls them into a latte called Quantitative Easing of Standards.

Historians testified that America has seen dual roles before, usually in musicals where one actor plays both the mayor and the bootlegger. The policy community calls this “synergy,” the same way a grocery store calls a missing avocado “seasonal scarcity.”

Markets shrugged in fluent trader, which is to say they yawned while running ten simulations and buying a commemorative Fed independence desk plaque for their Bloomberg terminals. Bonds briefly rallied out of boredom, then went back to doomscrolling macro.

Miran’s defenders explained he keeps roles siloed by time-blocking: mornings for apolitical economic analysis, afternoons for apolitical political analysis. They added he uses separate brain tabs and always clears his cookies after thinking.

As a reporter with a calculator and trust issues, I checked the footnotes and found a familiar line: “Adjusted for optics, results remain neutral.” I’ve seen audits with fewer caveats and magicians with more plausible sleeves.

Potential solutions include noise-canceling walls around the Fed, a ceremonial moat filled with redlines, and replacing all cross-branch emails with interpretive dance. Another idea would let the Fed remain independent by requiring all White House conversations to happen inside a library whisper cone.

In closing, senators suggested buying Miran a single, unambiguous hat and a receipt for the ethics firewall desktop kit. If he can’t decide which institution he’s in, the hat will decide for him—and if not, the hat testifies next week.