In a press event held at an undisclosed location that was definitely the food court, the Crunchyroll CEO announced that anime is now officially bigger than the ocean and at least three majors holidays combined. He gestured toward a chart that appeared to be a staircase to heaven and said, “Behold: numbers with capes.”

“Demon Slayer: Infinity Castle” did not just destroy the box office; it sent the box office to therapy. Analysts say the movie opened so wide it now includes several neighboring timelines and a couple of reluctant suburban cul-de-sacs.

Real estate agents have begun listing the Infinity Castle as a studio apartment with infinite closets and one shared nightmare. “It’s a fixer-upper with gravity optional,” said a broker while stapling a talisman to the lease.

Theaters responded by reinforcing auditoriums with tatami mats, spiritual fire exits, and a popcorn seasoning labeled “Regret.” Concessions now include a sword-shaped straw that lets you sip soda and your own ego at the same time.

Wall Street, which has only two emotions—fear and merch—discovered a third: awe with shipping charges. Investors watched candles on their charts become torches, then become dragons, then become dragons filing 10-Ks.

Consumer trends followed suit. Fitness influencers replaced their kettlebells with weighted plot armor, and preorders surged for limited-edition breathing technique workout band. Remember: if your cardio doesn’t come with lore, are you even sweating?

Government agencies convened an emergency task force on “Animated Cultural Magnitude,” which is like Homeland Security but with better hair. The Pentagon’s briefing concluded that anime has achieved “soft power so soft it’s a plush that suplexes you.”

Critics attempted backlash, but the backlash tripped over a cape and apologized to the cape. One essay declared, “We’ve reached Peak Anime,” then was immediately renewed for six more arcs and a filler beach episode.

Meanwhile, on the ground, fans reported long lines, longer swords, and impossible bangs that defy both wind and common sense. Parking lots became cosplay runways where the hottest accessory was a foldable convention cosplay rack strapped to a hatchback like a fashionable trebuchet.

Rival studios tried to counterprogram with movies about brave spreadsheets, courageous mortgages, and a rom-com where two tax credits fall in love. Audiences responded by politely walking into the multiplex wall until it opened like a secret door.

As someone who watches the edit as closely as the ending, I can confirm the hype has receipts, barcodes, and a baggie of loose stubs. The story is simple: supply met demand, demand demanded more, and the ledger started writing fanfic about itself.

Back at the mall-turned-Mt.-Fuji, the CEO declared the moon officially “understudied by anime,” since it keeps getting eclipsed by premieres. Astronomers nodded, took selfies with the shadow, and listed it as a cozy rental: infinite view, no sun, bring your own castle.