In a move that could only be described as existential for denim lovers, American Eagle reports foot traffic down nearly 9% year over year.

The drop comes amid a Sydney Sweeney controversy that pundits claim no one asked for but everyone suddenly heard about.

Forbes data dashboards reportedly hiccuped in sympathy, turning every fitting room into a tiny courtroom where judgment is swift and stretch denim is innocent.

Shoppers surveyed by department stores say they are more interested in comfort than drama, which is terrible news for organic cotton.

Store managers have started offering a service called jean therapy, in which customers vent about celebrity scandals while trying on distressed jeans.

Market analysts described the decline as a data-driven tea party, where numbers slosh around but somehow arrive at a punchline.

The brand responded by rebranding the campaign as seasonal resilience and releasing a capsule collection inspired by courtroom couture.

Retail watchers insist this is not a collapse but a calculated pause, a pause that will be followed by a new trend called athleisure overachieving.

The controversy plus the air conditioner in a mall food court created a perfect storm for shoppers who would rather stream reruns than stand in line for a size.

The company teased partnerships with influencers who can model jeans and avoid discussing pop culture at the same time.

Industry insiders say the real metric is door chimes, and today they rang with the sound of polite disinterest.

Analysts warn that if foot traffic continues to slide, American Eagle may pivot to selling feel-good slogans rather than jeans.

Meanwhile, the shopping cart icon on the app has started wearing sunglasses and rolling its eyes, a subtle nod to consumer skepticism.

As the saga continues, retail observers remind everyone that the true test of fashion is whether people actually walk into the store or just like the memes about it.