In what may be the year’s most dramatic coffee-table update, Brandon Blackstock’s obituary reportedly included a new revelation about his post-divorce life, while Kelly Clarkson was mysteriously left off the guest list.

The life update, which allegedly appeared in a local paper and then spread across the internet faster than a tour rumor, claims Blackstock spent his post-divorce months mastering the art of juggling flaming guitar picks while running a podcast about farm equipment.

A spokesman for the funeral home insisted the inclusion was not a mistake, but ‘creative license’ from a writer who clearly treats the afterlife like a reality TV show.

Clarkson remains conspicuously absent from the obituary, prompting fans to wonder if the press release included a clause about not inviting ‘the Voice’ judge to the afterparty.

The new revelation allegedly paints Blackstock’s post-divorce life as a renaissance of hobbies, including competitive nap-taking and a side business selling motivational playlists for alarm clocks.

One line reportedly describes him as ‘happily single and mildly contagious with optimism’—a phrase that sounds more like a dating profile than a funeral notice.

Gossip columnists have already dubbed the update an ‘afterlife remix,’ a term that sounds more at home on a streaming service than on a headstone.

Fans flooded social media with memes, asking whether Clarkson was just busy recording a new album or if the obituary editor had simply not heard of her.

The obituary’s ‘post-divorce life’ section allegedly includes a map to a mysterious new hobby location, described as a glitter factory in the Alps—or maybe just a portable glitter dispenser.

Meanwhile, the cemetery gift shop unveiled a line of commemorative mugs reading ‘Plot Twist: The Afterlife Is a Reality Show’—proof that nothing sells like a good headline.

Despite the melodrama, editors insist the obituary remains a solemn reminder that celebrity life is a complex web of lawyers, leases, and elaborate press kits.

Readers are warned to brace for more updates as tabloids attempt to turn headstones into headlines, because if there’s one thing the internet loves, it’s a plot twist with a pastoral soundtrack.