The Colorado Department of Public Health and Environment has issued an alert that measles has been spotted doing meet-and-greets across Mesa County. Apparently the virus missed the 1800s and is now booking venues with great acoustics and poor ventilation.

Officials published a list of exposure locations, which reads like an itinerary for a very confused tourist: grocery aisles, a waiting room, possibly a trampoline park that doubles as a cloud of aerosolized nostalgia. If plague ever needs a wedding venue, we’ve got ideas.

For the record, measles remains one of the most contagious viruses known, with an R0 that makes Taylor Swift ticket queues look humane. Blink in the same postal code and you’ve just networked with a pathogen that doesn’t even buy you coffee first.

As your resident skeptic with a stethoscope and a sense of humor, let me clarify: immunity is not a personality trait, and herd immunity is not something you get from hugging a cow while manifesting. If you prefer “natural immunity,” please also try “natural parachute.”

CDPHE’s map is basically a treasure map where X marks the spots you should not treasure. If you’re tracing your steps with the intensity of a true-crime podcaster, take a breath and search adult MMR vaccine clinic near me. This is one plot twist you can actually schedule.

I called measles’ press agent for comment, but the line was busy with 1952. When I finally got through, they said the virus appreciates the free publicity, then asked if coughs still count as PR.

For anyone tempted to marinate in essential oils, please know the randomized trial for “lavender versus RNA” concludes with lavender smelling lovely at your doctor’s office while you wait for science. Evidence isn’t sexy; it’s just stubbornly correct.

Policy note: Mesa’s contact tracers have been given a shoestring budget, three clipboards, and the municipal jazz band to keep spirits up. They’ll do their best, but I’d sleep better if public health funding wasn’t an escape room.

If you insist on shopping for peace of mind, may I suggest a boring classic: soap, some masks, and a travel-size disinfectant wipes multipack. It’s not glamorous, but neither is being a historical reenactment you didn’t audition for.

Yes, social media has already launched #MeaslesIsJustASneeze, brought to you by people who think physics is a hoax on windy days. The virus thanks them for their influencer campaign and asks if it can get verified.

If you were at any exposure site, call your clinic before walking in so you don’t throw a surprise party for the waiting room. Watch for fever, cough, and the kind of rash that makes dermatologists sigh audibly. Do not attempt to inoculate yourself with cinnamon, sunlight, or inspirational quotes.

Final prescription: stay hydrated, go for a walk, and get vaccinated like you live in a calendar year that uses electricity. Hydration and a walk cure many things; measles is not one of them—unless your walk is the one to your shot.