Scientists announced today that a single protein has the uncanny ability to turn a mind barely out of diapers into a vintage model with more dad jokes than memory. The discovery, published in a journal that sounds like a haunted library catalog, promises to age the millennial brain faster than a slow-loading meme.

The protein, nicknamed ‘Olde Brainus’ by its discoverers, was observed in lab mice that apparently binge-watched soap operas and in a cohort of interns who immediately started talking about their 401(k)s.

Researchers insist it’s not a threat, just a feature that nudges youthful ideas toward cautious, coffee-fueled adulthood. The team says the effect is reversible with a cheaper diploma and a sudden craving for retirement plans.

The press conference reportedly included a slide that looked suspiciously like a bedtime storybook and a demonstration involving a brain-shaped clock.

Across the nation, people responded with disbelief and a flurry of memes about aging speedruns.

Bioethicists weighed in: is it ethical to market aging as a product? The public demanded refunds and a new warranty on youth.

The scientists noted that the protein is natural and may explain why many people feel wise after eight consecutive all-nighters.

Still, the discovery isn’t limited to the lab; marketers are lining up to label the protein as the next big thing, and one even suggested it doubles as a ‘memory-boosting nootropic’.

People are already asking if their teenagers can borrow a vial, which is a question only a science press conference could inspire. The researchers urge calm, insisting this is basic biology, not a miracle jailbreak.

Some scientists admitted they had hoped this would lead to a fountain of youth; instead, it’s a fountain of mildly inconvenient math and caveats about developmental timelines.

Economists say this could disrupt education funding, as students suddenly demand to be paid for their mature thoughts.

The public’s reaction ranges from panic to memes. A popular meme shows a baby with a monocle and a pension plan; a rival meme depicts a hipster with a wrinkled face drawn on.

In the lab, the team is now trying to reverse the effect with a protocol tentatively named ‘youth reset’ and a roadmap that would confuse your parents more than your professors.

Meanwhile, the lab has launched a curious parallel project: can they reverse the aging of a brain with the protocol called the ‘youth reset’? Analysts say the public will soon be swarming online for an ‘adult brain age test kit’ to determine whether their thoughts are still hip.

Funding agencies are already toasting the idea with grant money and coffee, expecting data by next spring that will be pre-chewed for soundbites. Scientists caution that results may be as reliable as a motivational poster.

Some researchers joke the protein should come with a warning label: ‘May cause existential dread in selfies’. They insist it’s still science, not a fortune cookie.

They caution that aging brains isn’t a bug—it’s a feature that helps people remember taxes and grocery lists.

Politicians have already invoked the breakthrough in speeches about responsible aging, while tech companies imagine apps that remind you when it’s socially acceptable to nap.

Beyond headlines, the discovery raises questions about what ‘youth’ actually means in a world of vine edits and seasonal memes.

Until more is known, scientists say it should be treated like any other lab oddity. They advise caution, but admit the possibility of new coffee mugs that declare ‘Old Is Bold’ could become popular.