In breaking news, breakfast has been promoted to head of neurology. Researchers say a bowl of oatmeal now mans the velvet rope of your hippocampus and turns away early onset dementia like an underage nightclubber wearing a fake mustache.

Eggs, meanwhile, have been recast as tiny brain helmets, scrambled for aerodynamic efficiency. Toast has been deputized to arrest plaque with a butter knife, and blueberries are moonlighting as clinicians who only accept copays in smoothies.

The study hails from the prestigious Institute For Things We Already Wanted To Believe. Sample size included twelve humans, a contemplative golden retriever, and one croissant who did not consent but was delicious.

As your neighborhood clinician with a soft spot for bar graphs, I asked about blinding, randomization, and the confounder known as being a morning person. The lead author assured me the trial was double-blind and then tried to blind me with a ring light.

Nevertheless, the supermarket has become a neurology clinic with free carts. I watched a shopper cradle a box of polyphenol-rich blueberry steel-cut oats like a newborn thesis, whispering protect me, you chewy doctoral dissertation.

My aunt immediately bought ginkgo yogurt, salmon rumors, and a bulk pack of confidence. She also grabbed DHA algae oil softgels, which she will arrange in a protective circle around her prefrontal cortex and then eat a bagel through it like a lunar eclipse.

Experts clarify the protective mechanism: eating breakfast while sleeping eight hours, managing stress, and not living inside an email inbox. Follow-up research will determine whether British baked beans can file restraining orders against forgetfulness or just against joy.

To be fair, the paper notes sugary cereal did not cause dementia; it merely auditioned. The marshmallows arrived in tuxedos, forgot their lines, and were replaced by fiber wearing a cape of smugness and a utility belt of prune.

Also measured: coffee. Results suggest espresso is quantitative easing for attention. Sippers remembered their passwords; chuggers invented a new alphabet and a sixth weekday called Blursday.

Policy angle: breakfast helps most when people have time, cash, and a kitchen not doubling as a night shift. The largest cognitive enhancer remains a living wage, preferably served warm with paid leave.

Practical guidance from the land of boring miracles: drink water, eat something with colors found in nature, something oatish, and take a walk long enough to outpace your excuses. If dramatic results persist, congratulations, you discovered Tuesday.

Final verdict: choose food you can pronounce, skip promises delivered in glitter fonts, and distrust any headline that uses the word hack. If a pancake truly saves your brain, great; mine will wear a tiny cape and bill my insurance.