In a landmark announcement, scientists revealed the Universal Kidney, a device so welcoming it makes Canada look xenophobic. It accepts all blood types, all vibes, and possibly your LinkedIn requests.

Transplant surgeons rejoiced, organ waitlists trembled, and O-negative finally lost its personality trait. Think of it like a universal phone charger, except it moves electrolytes and doesn’t mysteriously disappear when your life depends on it.

The secret sauce is an enzyme that politely scrubs off the blood-type flags from kidney cells, the biomedical equivalent of taking down your ex’s photos before dating again. Antibodies arrive at the party and the kidney just says, “We don’t do drama.”

Clinicians compared first trials to watching Wi-Fi bars go from one to full: quiet, profound, and followed by someone asking for the password. When the data cleared peer review, it fist-bumped the p-values and said, “We’re evidence-based, not vibes-only.”

At the press conference, a reporter asked if it comes in colors. The lead researcher replied, “Yes: kidney.” Another asked if it’s vegan. The team nodded solemnly and said, “It eats salt and regret.” Apple declined to comment but quietly announced a kidney with a proprietary pee port.

Hospitals are already bundling the experience with tasteful accessories. Nurses rolled in a FDA-approved organ transport cooler like a picnic basket for destiny, while an orderly tried selling a bumper sticker: “My Other Kidney Is Also Yours.”

Health insurers promised fast coverage pending eight forms, three prior authorizations, and proof you’ve never been happy. The extended warranty includes “Drops, Spills, and Existential Crisis,” but not “You Ignored Thirst For Two Decades.”

Wellness influencers pivoted instantly, promoting a “Detox But With Evidence” challenge. A smoothie brand offered to sponsor your nephrons, to which the Universal Kidney replied, “I am not a filter—I’m your union rep.”

As a responsible buzzkill, I’ll note the trials are early, the sample still lean, and long-term rejection remains a question mark wearing sunglasses. Statisticians nodded, which in our field is fireworks.

Ethicists raised alarms about a gray market already advertising off-brand organs named “Unikidny Pro Max.” One shady site bundled it with a DIY blood typing card kit, a coupon code, and a chat bot that says, “You’ll be fine!” in Comic Sans.

Politicians immediately tried to claim credit, proposing a bill to mandate kidney USB-C by 2027. The Universal Kidney remained bipartisan, refusing only one thing: being installed by that one uncle who says, “I know a shortcut,” and returns with an Allen wrench and wet confidence.

For now, it’s a rare headline that makes the ICU exhale. And while the Universal Kidney can handle any blood type, your dating life still can’t handle a text back—so please hydrate, because irony loves a kidney.