In a finding that reads like common sense finally filing a copyright claim, scientists warn that ultra-processed foods could sabotage weight loss even when you’re supposedly on a healthy diet.

The study, which appears to have been funded by a committee of snack enthusiasts who forgot to disclose their personal snack budgets, asserts that foods with long ingredient lists are especially hungry for your willpower.

Experts say the problem isn’t your laziness, it’s the modern food system that treats nutrition as optional flavor and flavor as mandatory joy.

Dieters reported that even salads can be sabotaged by croutons that crunch louder than a drumline and dressings that masquerade as elixirs.

Researchers designed an ordeal that simulated a grocery aisle: one group ate clean meals while the other watched ads so convincing they could sell a carrot to a rabbit with a mortgage.

When asked for comment, a food industry rep calmly noted that choice is noble until the stomach starts negotiating with the marketing department.

Public health advocates suggested we should label foods not by calories but by the amount of existential dread they induce in a single sitting.

Dietitian Dr. Crunchworth admitted that some healthy snacks carry more sugar than a soap opera and just as much drama.

Social media responded with memes: if it’s wrapped in a gluten-free cape, it must be a villain, and if it wears a salad tie, it must be a lifestyle.

One proposed remedy: a pricing scheme that taxes indulgent items until you feel morally superior enough to resist.

Another suggestion: remove marketing from grocery stores, which is basically asking a magician to stop pulling rabbits out of hats.

Until then, the only guaranteed weight loss tool might be a whispered agreement with yourself that the snack aisle is closed.

If your healthy plan includes a bag of chips in the same cart as quinoa, don’t be surprised when the scale files a strongly worded letter.

Bottom line: ultra-processed foods are not just tastier—they are professionally persuasive, which is why your waistline remains in update mode.