In a bold experiment in public comprehension, Washington has clarified Covid shot eligibility by announcing that if you exist in any meaningful way, congratulations, you qualify. Residents report a sudden, unfamiliar feeling known as not needing to argue with a website.

The Department of Health ceremonially replaced its prior decision tree with a mirror and a Post-it note that says yes. If you fog the mirror, you are eligible. If you cannot fog the mirror, the note adds, bring the mirror and we will have a conversation.

Officials said they took inspiration from airline boarding groups, deciding the fairest system was simply everyone. They considered adding a Group 9 called Moss, but legal counsel warned that moss is a formidable lobby in the Pacific Northwest.

To prevent confusion, the state’s eligibility quiz now consists of a single question: Are you here. Acceptable answers include yes, si, a polite nod, or sending a raven that caws in affirmative.

I asked whether this would overcomplicate logistics, and was told logistics had already been overcomplicated by three winters of vibes-based decision-making. The new plan: needles, sleeves, done, go home, hydrate, repeat with a friend who thinks vibes are peer-reviewed.

Locals arrived prepared, clutching their waterproof vaccine card holder like it was a backstage pass to the tour where the headliner is not getting pneumonia. Security confirmed that the only mosh pit allowed is the one at the hand sanitizer station.

The old hotline that once asked you 27 questions about your blood type and favorite Renaissance painter has been repurposed. Press 1 to hear yes. Press 2 to hear yes in banjo. Press 3 for a soothing recording of a nurse saying schedule when you can, hon.

Asked about the one exception, the state clarified that misinformation is still not eligible. It must instead take a long walk, drink some water, and think about what it’s done. We were told this may take a while.

Pop-up clinics sprung up in community centers, libraries, and the only café that remembers your order. A volunteer noted that needle hesitancy dropped when people were offered a sticker and a needle anxiety fidget ring, proving once again that the human brain is a raccoon drawn to shiny, reassuring objects.

One pilot site offered a special session for houseplants. Staff gently misted them and whispered we will not be injecting you, sweetie, you are a metaphor. The plants reported improved morale and exactly zero side effects besides feeling seen.

Neighboring states tried to sneak in disguised as Seahawks fans. Washington shrugged, rolled up their sleeves, and said fine, as long as you promise to recycle your snack wrapper and not start a discourse thread in line.

In summary: if you are a person, a person-adjacent entity, or a person who once thought a miracle cure was bone broth and manifesting, the door is open and the chair is warm. Policy over platitudes, outcomes over aesthetics, and the only detox you need is hydration and a walk to the clinic, where the answer, in every language, remains yes.