In a breakthrough inspiring awe, dread, and several promotional emails, scientists announced they have recreated life’s opening move: persuading amino acids to hold hands with RNA without either demanding a brunch reservation. They call it chemistry; the molecules call it a boundary issue.

The team essentially staged a prehistoric mixer, added heat, minerals, and vibes, and then watched as molecules did what they’ve been doing since time began: panic, collide, and act like they totally meant to. If you’ve ever observed toddlers at a birthday party, you’ve seen prebiotic Earth.

Amino acids were described as “clingy but necessary,” while RNA was hailed as “a single-stranded influencer” that insists it is not toxic, just catalytic. Everyone agrees it’s not quite life, but it is definitely something that will demand snacks in your refrigerator at 2 a.m.

To be clear, this is not scientists playing God; it’s scientists playing IKEA. They assembled the first hinge of the first cabinet, noticed three screws were missing, and still somehow built a small civilization out of the cardboard.

Politicians immediately demanded to know whether this would affect gas prices, which is a comfortingly consistent question. Meanwhile, an investor somewhere yelled “Infinite protein bars,” while a philosopher fainted into a beanbag labeled Ontology.

Researchers stress it’s a controlled system, a careful mimic of plausible early Earth conditions, and not a recipe for sentient lasagna. Also, they did not order a soul on same-day delivery; they ordered a prebiotic chemistry starter kit and read the instructions twice.

Methods were uncomplicated in that baroque way science loves: multiple replicates, salty puddles with PhD-level trauma, and a diagram politely pretending chaos is linear. Figure 1: A squiggle woos a bead while a footnote begs for tenure.

Critics argued the work still leaves many gaps, like “Where did the first coffee come from?” and “Why does reality lean toward slime?” The team replied by pointing to the data and whispering, “Because slime meets deadlines.”

A lab safety officer assured the public there’s zero chance of rogue lifeforms, unless you count the fridge yogurt, which now has opinions. For extra safety, all materials were spun, capped, and judged by a USB-powered microcentrifuge that has seen things and refuses to talk about them.

Tech companies already proposed Life-as-a-Service, in which RNA subscribes to amino acids monthly and cancels at the slightest inconvenience. The freemium tier includes one bond and a targeted ad for existential dread.

Ethicists asked if creating life’s first step obligates us to create the next, and scientists replied, “Only if the grant renews.” The molecules replied by forming a committee, scheduling a meeting, and evolving bureaucracy.

At the press briefing, a reporter demanded, “Did you create life?” and the lead investigator said, “No, we created the moment life starts rolling its eyes.” And somewhere, in a perfectly warm puddle, a tiny hinge clicked, a cabinet wobbled, and the universe charged it first and last month’s rent.