The Washington Commanders suffered a two-act tragedy today: Wise is out for the season, and the team believes Austin Ekeler introduced his Achilles to football’s most vengeful god. The franchise asked that privacy be respected while the turf finishes its victory lap.

The diagnosis arrived with the solemnity of a court ruling and the theatrical flair of a Renaissance fair: a trainer squinted toward the horizon and muttered, yup. Moments later, a medical cart drifted by like a parade float sponsored by entropy.

Coach delivered the standard serenade of next man up, which is football for we bought a ladder at a yard sale and now it is a team captain. He praised resilience, which is Latin for we are absolutely improvising.

A team historian assured reporters this is not a Greek tragedy, then produced a laminated map of Achilles references in franchise lore and a pie chart titled Reasons the Gods Laugh at Hamstrings. The chart was a perfect circle.

Front office sources insisted the cap sheet can withstand anything, right before it developed a hamstring of its own and curled at the corner. Accounting tried to sign depth from the practice squad of the metaphysical, then opened a tab for Achilles rehab compression sleeve like it counts as a midseason acquisition.

The medical staff rolled out its emergency protocol, which is a binder labeled Things That Pop and a QR code for vibes. Someone wheeled in a sideline orthopedic scooter, placed a captain patch on it, and told it to set the edge.

Fans reacted with their usual grace: they booed the cloud that looked like a ligament and burned a depth chart in an artisanal fire pit. Season-ticket holders asked about refunds and were mailed an inspirational poster of duct tape.

Meanwhile the stadium turf announced its candidacy for Most Valuable Opponent, citing a bipartisan platform of physics and irony. It demanded an appearance fee and a softer brand of cleats made of whispered apologies.

Wise, whose name suggests advice, provided the day’s only counsel by physically exiting the narrative. The team store responded by unveiling a commemorative heartbreak rack and a tasteful team-branded walking boot that doubles as a beverage koozie.

Ekeler, famous for yards after contact, is now starring in contacts after MRI. Analytics updated the spreadsheet to include tears per touch and adjusted expected sighs added, a category dominated by every single seat cushion.

As the coaching tree sprouted splints, the scheme remained the scheme, now with more prayer. Personnel men talked about culture until the word developed a limp. The depth chart looked like a crossword someone finished with crayons.

The Commanders promised accountability, clarity, and a weekly injury report written like a shipping manifest from a cursed port. In related news, the playbook has been retitled The Iliad, the Achilles section is dog-eared, and, in a twist of nominative determinism, the wisest decision today was made by Wise’s hamstring when it refused to participate.