Foxborough has released its Week 3 injury report like a weather alert that forgot how to spell ‘sunlight.’ The paper sighs audibly. The ink lists ailments, and the margins request therapy.

The Patriots have players labeled ‘questionable,’ a term that now includes metaphysics, wifi strength, and whether the universe is expanding or just faking a hamstring. Probable, like rotary phones, remains retired out of mercy.

Across the line, the Steelers answer with a report that reads like a Pittsburgh wedding registry: heavier, tougher, and prominently featuring steel. Tomlin nods once, which the report counts as an X-ray.

As a systems guy, I admire the statistical elegance of every body part simultaneously flipping a coin. When the box score whispers later, it will sound like an ankle asking for a second opinion.

Trainers continued their pilgrimage, dragging coolers, tape, and a cathedral’s worth of optimism behind a cart stacked with team-branded orthopedic walking boot. The boot has playoff hopes and a rewards program.

New England listed three starters as limited, which in Patriot dialect means they will play, not play, and also become two raccoons in a trench coat on third down. The depth chart is a magic eye poster that never quite resolves.

Pittsburgh countered by declaring a guard out with ‘upper-body poetry’ and a safety doubtful due to a pre-existing condition called ‘seeing screen passes in his nightmares.’ Their medical staff prescribes film study and pierogi.

Weather could factor, which is football for ‘we prefer plausible deniability.’ The sideline ordered a heated sideline bench pad, which doubles as a truth serum and, on fourth-and-inches, a moving walkway.

The analytics department ran a Monte Carlo simulation and discovered that 62 percent of all injuries are feelings, 23 percent are entropy, and the rest are the turf reenacting gravity like it gets paid by the fall.

I asked the Patriots how they measure pain tolerance. They handed me a laminated chart featuring Paul Revere, a lighthouse, and the phrase ‘Walk it off, history is watching.’ The chart then tried to tackle me.

Game-time decisions will arrive at precisely whenever it hurts most, seeking attention like seagulls at a boardwalk. Fans are advised to stretch responsibly, hydrate emotionally, and bring a doctor who can interpret hieroglyphs.

By kickoff, both teams will have overcome adversity, or at least given it a stern talking-to. If you need me, I’ll be listening for the score to whisper, ‘Shh—your ankle has notes.’ And yes, Massachusetts remains questionable.