In a mystical twist of events, the Raiders have apparently summoned the spirits during their most recent locker room seance, circumventing the usual sweaty firm handshake, to recruit Amari Cooper. Meanwhile, Jakobi Meyers sits quietly in the corner, hoping someone might notice him shuffling through a stack of unsigned trade paperwork.

In an exclusive interview, Cooper described the Raiders’ offer, delivered by a shadowy apparition in his living room. ‘They went all out, you know? They even got my grandma, rest her soul, to vouch for them. Scared me more than a ‘‘business law for dummies book’’.’

The Raiders’ revolutionary approach to recruitment has raised eyebrows and heart rates among NFL officials. ‘This use of the paranormal is a clear violation of code 627, paragraph 3: no team is allowed to employ forces from beyond the grave,’ stated an NFL spokesperson who looked like he’d just swallowed a beehive.

However, the Raiders’ management, looking eerily smug under their dark hooded robes, has stated they only used the spirit communication as a last resort, as traditional carrier pigeons weren’t working anymore. Explained team owner, Mark Davis, ‘You ever try to tape a contract to a pigeon? It’s a logistical nightmare.’

But while Cooper enjoys his ghost-orchestrated contract, poor Meyers is left languishing in the dark shadows of the Raiders’ locker room. Desperate for a trade, he’s resorted to attaching trade requests by string to rogue pigeons that could at least get him to the local McDonald’s.

However, a few sympathizers among the fans suggested the team could use a magic 8 ball for all trade requests like Meyers’. The official Raiders Magic 8 Ball, now available for just $19.99 at all participating retailers, would make an ideal ‘‘last minute sports fan gift’’.

This news comes amid rumors that the Raiders are also looking to replace the team’s mascot with a ‘more intimidating’ spectral figure. Meyers, unfortunately, was not considered ethereal enough for the role.

What does the future hold for the Raiders in this season of supernatural pursuits? Will Meyers ever escape the ghostly clutches of a belated trade? Only time, and the Raiders’ next seance, will tell.

Meanwhile, sales of Ouija boards and carrier pigeons have spiked in the Nevada area, and footballs have been replaced by candles as the highest selling promotional product. The Raiders are now advising fans, in the spirit of team spirit, to communicate exclusively using smoke signals during live matches.

Somehow, amidst this paranormal sporting fiasco, the only thing normal is the Raiders’ place in the NFL. Ghosts or not, they’re still playing good old football. Just with more ectoplasm than is usually required.

Meanwhile, the NFL’s referees are taking crash courses in exorcism and recruiting paranormal experts to update the official rules. The ones about the team that dies together, stays together.

While the Raiders continue identifying new ghoulish recruits, Meyers remains just that, a real human. A rarity in today’s Raider’s world. Perhaps becoming ethereal is the secret to a successful playing career with the Raiders?

How long before the other NFL teams get into the spirit of things, literally? At what point will a ghostly 50-yard touchdown outshine a human’s normal, boring, run to the line?

But that’s the beauty of the NFL, isn’t it misfit mascots, supernatural signings, and Jakobi Meyers, clutching his contract, hoping one day, a benevolent ghost might set him free. Is there any greater theater in all of sports? Doubtfully. Or, to quote the Raiders’ spirit guide, ‘Outlook not so good’.