The Texas Rangers hired Skip Schumaker and immediately announced they will now skip errors, skip slumps, and, when necessary, skip to the part where they dogpile on the mound. It’s the first time a franchise has hired a verb, and grammar teachers everywhere are on waivers.

Executives praised his National League, fish-flavored experience, noting he survived hurricanes, rebuilding years, and a ballpark where humidity steals your fastball and your lunch money. In Texas, they prefer their humidity smoked over mesquite and their managers named after strategies.

“Our clubhouse is ready for a man who can literally Skip calamity,” said the GM, adjusting a bolo tie that doubles as an algorithm. “He’ll optimize baserunning like a cattle drive with spreadsheets, then call a bunt that lands in a pie chart.”

At the press conference, Schumaker laid out a plan in bullets, arrows, and what might have been a treasure map. “We’ll trust the data, trust our eyes, and never trust a fly ball in Arlington at 7:13 p.m.,” he said, as a crosswind took his notes to Fort Worth.

In a nod to performance and espresso-based leadership, the training staff unveiled a dugout espresso machine with heat-proof rosin tray. Analysts project a 12% increase in alertness, a 40% reduction in yawns, and a spike in walk-off speeches delivered at auctioneer speed.

Players welcomed the move, noting that “Skip” is also what the clubhouse calls the “Skip Intro” button on their losing montage. “He’s here to hammer that,” said the shortstop, making a thumb motion like he was fast-forwarding fate.

Fans celebrated by inventing a cheer that is just everyone hopping once, loudly. Merch stores reported a run on home plate trampolines and a surge in custom velvet rally towel with tactical pocket. If the towels don’t rally, at least they’ll carry snacks.

Meanwhile, the analytics department introduced two new Texas-specific metrics: Expected Yeehaw (xYH) and Brisket Above Replacement (BAR). “You can’t quantify grit,” Schumaker said, “but you can baste it and chart the smoke ring.”

The bullpen door, which historically opens like a portal to existential dread, will now feature a doorbell that plays the theme from a heroic western. Relievers will enter to split-screen graphics and a small choir of armadillos.

Critics argue the Rangers are just refreshing the same tab and hoping the internet works this time. The front office countered by plugging a wind sock into a laptop and whispering, “We updated the firmware on destiny.”

Schumaker insists the culture will change one tiny decision at a time. “Steal third when the map says yes, take pitches when the moon nods, and if the box score whispers, get quiet and listen,” he said, as the scoreboard leaned in.

If all else fails, Texas will honor the manager’s name and simply Skip to the parade. And if that skips a beat, they’ll hit rewind, adjust the volume, and let the score whisper the punchline: Skip to repeat.