Pittsburgh, Aug. 12 — The Steelers opened training camp with the air of a group project where everyone brought a snack and no one admitted to doing the homework.

Coach Mike Tomlin blew his whistle with the ceremonial gravity of a referee announcing the dessert menu and players charged the field like a parade of hopefuls and caffeine.

The first drill, called Precision Hydration, looked like a water break with a stopwatch, as players sprinted to the cooler every 12.3 seconds.

Offense and defense traded small victories in the age old sport of who can misplace a handoff most gracefully, leaving the quarterbacks with more sunscreen on their faces than completed passes.

The new quarterback rookie earned quiet praise for leadership after reportedly returning a missing headset to the sideline and saving a crucial bench chair from becoming a solo seat on the practice field.

Defensive line coach unveiled a playful trick called the mug and bagel formation, a misdirection routine that smells like breakfast and somehow confuses the defense into thinking its lunch break is starting.

Special teams announced a fresh sponsorship with a local coffee shop to ensure that every kickoff comes with premium caffeine, because nothing motivates a return like a double espresso.

Helmets now feature a tiny sun shield to protect players from the glare of post practice recap videos and the inevitable hot takes online.

A no sweat policy was rolled out to convert sweat into documented data, with an elaborate hydration log that the analytics team insists will be the season altering stat.

Media day overshadowed the drills as reporters fixated on the snack table, which producers have already labeled the real star of the camp and perhaps the season.

The coaching staff repeated one play at a time until it sounded like a motivational playlist that everyone pretends to enjoy.

Whispers of a secret playbook persisted, though sources say it is more laminated grocery list than wizardry, and it will probably be interpreted as a new snack inventory.

The rookie locker story grew legs as the team discovered the highest number of chargers and the fewest spare socks, an index of professional football reality.

As the sun set, Aug. 12 left players more hydrated, more caffeinated, and more convinced that training camp is basically a long road trip sponsored by coffee and curiosity.