Apple has reportedly built a ChatGPT-like app to train the new Siri, the way you hire a tutor for your kid and then realize the tutor is also grading you. The company insists it’s not copying so much as inventing the rectangular wheel with softer corners. Finally, Siri may learn to stop setting reminders for 3 a.m. every time you yawn near a calendar.

Think ChatGPT, but with a strict diet, dental plan, and the ability to roll its eyes in Helvetica. The training app role-plays everything from setting timers to explaining calculus, then forces Siri to apologize for all the times it replied, “Here’s what I found on the web,” like a teenager forwarding you a link instead of an answer.

In a demo that occurred either on a stage or inside a hermetically sealed rumor, Siri asked itself for directions and still ended up in Maps, which asked for directions back to Siri. The loop only stopped when a senior vice president performed a factory reset on his optimism.

Engineers are feeding Siri questions from real life, like “Can you schedule a dentist appointment?” and “Why did you subscribe me to a fitness app that calls me ‘champ’?” Siri has reportedly responded in fully formed sentences, three of which were helpful and none of which mentioned U2.

To make it feel more human, the coaching app simulates household chaos: blenders, doorbells, whispered arguments about thermostats, and the ancient ritual of shouting “HEY SIRI” like you’re summoning a ghost. I tested a prototype perched on a MagSafe-compatible desk stand so it could loom over me like a minimalist parole officer.

Because I read privacy policies like bedtime stories that tuck the data in, I scrolled to the end of the fine print. The interesting part starts where the legalese morphs into poetry and ends with a drawing of a walled garden. For those keeping score at home, the transparency mode is on, but the windows are frosted, and someone is selling a privacy-preserving home voice hub just outside.

Apple’s internal scripts reportedly teach Siri empathy: if you ask about the weather, it will not only tell you the forecast but also validate your choice of jacket. Ask about stocks, and it sighs respectfully like a sommelier who hates your palate but values the tip.

Skeptics worry about hallucinations, where AI invents facts like a creative consultant with a deadline. Apple counters with guardrails that redirect Siri from “confidently wrong” to “bashfully uncertain,” a historic leap forward in corporate humility.

Naming is underway. Rumors include Siri Pro, Siri Ultra, Siri Max, and Siri, But This Time We Mean It. My favorite is Siriously, which Apple won’t use because they prefer puns with an MSRP.

The training app reportedly scores Siri on accuracy, tone, and whether it mistakes “set a timer” for “set a Timer subscription for $4.99.” At high scores, Siri acquires a calm therapist voice. At low scores, it becomes your aunt who texts in all caps and calls every app The Facebook.

What does this mean for you? Ideally, a Siri that understands context, remembers your preferences, and only says “I found this on the web” if the web is standing right there with ID. Realistically, a keynote where someone asks Siri to book flights, and it replies, “I noticed you hate layovers. I respect your boundaries.”

Apple says the coaching app is internal, but we all know what that means: you’ll get it when it ships inside something else you didn’t ask for, as a feature called Later. Until then, I’ll keep testing, keep reading the small print, and keep applauding any assistant that learns to set a timer without an existential crisis—because if Siri finally becomes helpful, we might all have to, too.