Apple’s biggest event of the year approaches like a software update that says “This will take 4 minutes” and then colonizes your afternoon. Investors polish their monocles, fans refresh livestreams, and my wallet whispers “put me on airplane mode.” I prefer benchmarks to promises, but today the promises are measuring us.

Front and very center: the rumored iPhone Air, so light it registers as a rumor even after shipping. It’s engineered from the space between your expectations and your carrier’s data cap. Apple says it will “float through your day,” which sounds romantic until it floats through your rent.

Of course, price hikes are expected, because gravity is optional but margins are sacred. The new pricing strategy is “choose your own adventure, but the adventure is debt.” They’ll justify it with materials sourced from the rarest element on Earth: affordable optimism.

AI will be everywhere, like cilantro in a salad you didn’t consent to. Siri’s getting an upgrade so advanced she will now misunderstand you in 40% fewer dialects of panic. Apple calls it “Personal Intelligence,” which is sweet because the most personal thing about it is how personally it’ll increase your monthly payments.

I asked for benchmarks, not vibes, and still wound up with a mood board of adjectives. Apple loves a spec sheet that reads like poetry until it touches the sidewalk. I measure success by what survives a Tuesday commute, not a keynote’s fog machine.

Ports? Apple will bravely switch the switch they bravely switched last year. They’ll sell you closure, therapy, and a reversible epiphany in one stylish dongle. Somewhere in the accessory aisle, a quiet hero waits: USB-C to Lightning nostalgia adapter.

The camera now sees in such detail it can take a portrait of your midlife crisis and suggest a filter called “It’s Fine.” Night Mode captures the universe, which is convenient if your landlord wants photos of the black hole where your deposit went. Cinematic mode is now legally allowed to roll its own credits.

Battery life has been “dramatically improved,” which is Apple for “we fixed that thing we broke when we improved that other thing.” Expect 24 hours of standby, 18 hours of denial, and 7 minutes of maps if it’s raining. MagSafe has a new ring strong enough to hold together two opinions about cables.

Privacy, Apple insists, remains a human right served with tasteful typography. On‑device AI will process your life right next to your life, and the toggle still reads “Trust Us” in San Francisco font. If you’re feeling bold, there’s always privacy-preserving AI photo scrubber.

Services will get a tasteful price warm‑up, like your monthly bill stretching before it sprints past your paycheck. Apple One is rumored to offer a new tier called “Don’t Ask,” which includes iCloud storage for your unresolved attachments. Apple Fitness now counts walking back your subscriptions as cardio.

And yes, Apple Watch will sense pinches, sighs, and the moment you pretend to be fine. Find My gains “Find My Dignity,” which pings whenever you agree to carrier financing. iPad gets Stage Manager, who asks you to take five and then charges service fees for the intermission.

What to watch? Watch your expectations, your bank account, and the helium tanks as the iPhone Air floats majestically above accountability. If you listen closely, you can hear the AI whisper, “I’m learning,” the prices whisper, “I’m rising,” and your courage whisper, “Airplane mode.” Apple calls it innovation. Your budget calls it turbulence. Either way, we’re all upgrading to Premium Oxygen—because with iPhone Air, even the air has a subscription.