In a move that finally answers the question, “What if nostalgia had a trading card index fund,” the Final Fantasy 7 Remake for Switch 2 now comes with Magic: The Gathering cards. It’s not a bundle so much as an arranged marriage where both families showed up with capes and a printer.

I test the claims the way I test any tech: by reading the marketing, then the manual, then the privacy policy in a bathtub of black coffee. The cards promise synergy; the fine print promises redistributing my data like potions at a flea market.

Materia now slots into sleeves as Enchantments, Aerith is a planeswalker with a smile that can counterspell your cynicism, and Cloud is a 3/3 with Hair: Reach. Barret has Trample, obviously, and Sephiroth’s ult is labeled, “On cast, please clap.”

During the demo, the rep told me to “tap your Buster Sword.” I said that sounded like an HR ticket. He clarified by sliding me a cardboard rectangle that granted two Mako and an existential crisis.

They’ve gamified the inside of the box, too. Booster packs include summons, lands, and a schedule to buy more booster packs. I upgraded my carrying shame to a magnetic deck box with life counter and immediately felt both younger and perilously collectible.

Combat merges Active Time Battle with the stack. You wait, you declare, you realize time is a circle, then you interrupt your own attack with a reaction to your own buyer’s remorse. It’s like chess, if rooks had feelings and late-stage capitalism.

I read the EULA all the way down where they hide the good stuff. It states your mana is mined from the Lifestream but carbon-neutral because the carbon signed an NDA. Selling trades is allowed, selling hope is encouraged, and selling your last phoenix down is a cry for help.

I asked if Chocobo breeding was still in. They said yes, but it’s been reimagined as token generation to avoid content guidelines. Also, Knights of the Round now dials a call center where a polite Ifrit asks you to confirm “are you sure” for nine minutes.

Collectors can preorder editions that ship with a tiny sword stand, a reversible playmat, and a redemption code for three digital sighs. I added a Switch 2 hard shell travel case because if I’m going to flee Midgar, I’d rather my guilt be scuff-resistant.

Performance-wise, the Switch 2 pumps out frames so smooth they require a coaster. The game targets sixty, hits fifty-eight, and blames it on a rogue cactuar who stole two milliseconds and my faith in benchmarking.

As for privacy, every shuffle shares a hash of your hopes with a server labeled “Shinra Cloud,” which is bold branding for a company allergic to irony. They say your data becomes a foil mythic if you believe hard enough, and by “believe” they mean “opt in twice.”

Look, I respect any crossover brave enough to admit it’s a cash register in cosplay. But when my nostalgia requires sleeves, a sideboard, and a budget line item titled “feelings,” I tap my patience for blue, declare bankruptcy as a free action, and pass priority to marketing.