Jon Prosser announced he has been in active communication with Apple over a lawsuit, a phrase that sounds like two diplomats exchanging emojis while an alarm goes off. Apple and Prosser treat secrecy like an escape room with no exit, only increasingly stern clues.

Active communication apparently means replies arrive at the speed of a push notification but with the warmth of a captcha. Sources described the tone as collegial yet lawsuit-shaped, like a hug made of staplers.

As someone who reads privacy policies to the credits, I respect the craft. Apple italicizes the word confidential so hard it files for workers’ comp, while leakers italicize the word exclusive until it winks.

Both sides speak fluent Legalese, a dialect where hello translates to we reserve all rights and goodbye means please see attached. The attachment, of course, is a PDF so redacted it qualifies as minimalist art.

Prosser reportedly set his notifications to Do Not Disturb and his desk to Panic Mode, deploying a cease-and-desist letter organizer with the gusto of a gamer unlocking a new skin. His keyboard now types alleged automatically, saving everyone time and billable hours.

Apple Legal, a shadowy guild of attorneys who spawn from a nondisclosed fountain in Cupertino, is said to communicate by sliding NDAs under doors like room service. Each NDA arrives with a mint and a small, tasteful reminder that oxygen is not free either.

Observers are debating what counts as active communication versus normal, please stop. Prosser says there are calls, emails, and at least one iMessage reaction that looked suspiciously like the Scales of Justice.

In an effort to deescalate, both parties agreed to meet halfway in a neutral jurisdiction known as the Comment Section, where logic goes to cosplay as rumor. Negotiators arrived wearing suits made of blur effects and plausible deniability.

Meanwhile, fans refreshed their feeds and their leaker-proof webcam cover, convinced that quantum litigation might retroactively sue them for seeing a pixel. Analysts forecast earnings in exasperated sighs per quarter.

I tested the claims against code and found the function active_communication returns a Boolean and a subpoena. The privacy policy footnote reads we may combine your data with feelings and charge you for both.

Rumor has it Apple will turn the whole debacle into a service called Apple Leak, delivering teasers on a subscription model with family sharing and preemptive remorse. Prosser will counter with Prosser Plus, offering ad-supported apologies and a free trial you forget to cancel.

Until the fog lifts, this is less a lawsuit and more a relationship status update written by a lawyer with a thesaurus. Both sides remain in active communication, which is corporate for we are typing, and I remain in passive amusement, favoring function over flourish and a subdued grin for ideas that ship as marketing long before they arrive as features.