Another leak has apparently dropped out of Game Freak like a Charmander in a rainstorm, claiming to reveal the sacred Pokémon roadmap. Not a timeline, mind you—an actual roadmap, complete with traffic cones, detours, and a Snorlax parked across three lanes like a sleepy HOA. Sources say it’s either the future of the franchise or the world’s bravest doodle.

The document outlines phases with codenames like Project Neon Ketchup, Untitled Starter Game, and Legends: Regional Flavor, which sounds less like a video game and more like a season of cooking show fan fiction. There’s also a mysterious phase labeled “Re-Remaster Again But With Shadows,” suggesting we may finally see what Bulbasaur looks like under moody theater lighting. Investors call it ambitious; fans call it a Tuesday.

One section promises a remake of a remake of a game you already own twice, now with half a new hat. Another teases a DLC where you teach your Pikachu about healthy boundaries and then microtransaction those boundaries back down. If you listen closely, you can hear vinyl crackling under the weight of nostalgia, or possibly your wallet sighing.

Game Freak, reportedly surprised that leaks still exist in the year of our patch note, issued a statement written entirely in caution tape: “We do not comment on rumors, except to say we love our fans, our fans are everything, and please preorder something that may not be this.” In related news, a bin of “No Comment” tote bags sold out instantly.

Forums have mobilized like a Rapidash in a fire drill. Amateur analysts uploaded the blurry PNG to six AI models, a bread machine, and their cousin’s brain to determine whether that coffee ring is actually a new region shaped like a croissant. One theorist connected two stains and screamed, “Kanto again,” while clutching a retro pocket monster trading card binder like it was a papal relic.

The source of the leak, attributed to “a person familiar with clipboards,” allegedly photographed the roadmap through a conference room plant, which would explain why every third line item is just leaf. The plant declined to comment, then photosynthesized a cease-and-desist. Meanwhile, legal teams marked the image “FAKE,” which, in 2025, is the best possible confirmation.

Highlights of the alleged plan include a survival mode where trainers must navigate a region filled entirely with tall grass and HR paperwork, and a co-op feature that lets your rival attend your performance review. There’s also a mode where Pikachu refuses to fight until working conditions are negotiated, finally answering the question: what if cuteness unionized.

Preorders reportedly open for thirteen versions: Standard, Deluxe, Ultra Deluxe, Deluxe But With Feelings, Digital Physical, Physical Digital, and the one that comes with a commemorative ethernet cable. The Collector’s Edition includes an apology letter penned by a Ditto that tried its best and a switch-compatible turbo controller that vibrates whenever someone says “content cadence.”

Analysts project the strategy will “extend the nostalgia parabola into a harmonized monetization crescendo,” which is finance for “we hope you like buying hats again.” Shareholders nodded, then evolved into Final Form Nodding with a 12 percent critical chance. The rest of us wondered if toddlers in 2040 will unlock their first memories at a checkout screen.

Street-level response was philosophical. A child said, “I just want my turtle to be big,” while an adult near a midnight line whispered, “I will pay sixty dollars to find my childhood in a bush.” Somewhere, a professor handed them a starter and an invoice. It was profoundly moving and mildly billable.

As a person who prefers benchmarks to press releases, I tried to run a stress test on the leak. It crashed at the title screen, then offered a season pass for stability. The patch notes were a haiku about patience and a coupon for downloadable gratitude.

In the end, perhaps the roadmap is real, fake, or quantum—changing every time it’s observed, mostly into a pre-order link. But if the path truly is blocked by a colossal Snorlax of expectations, please remember: you don’t need a Poké Flute to move it—just a napkin, a coffee, and the courage to take the detour labeled “Remake of Your Free Time.” If lost, consult the map legend that reads, with brutal honesty, “You Are Here Again.”