In a move that startled only the budget department, critics released a review of Mafia: The Old Country that treats crime like a part-time job with benefits.

The game reportedly lets you run a crime family with the efficiency of a pizza delivery service, which is to say chaos with a side of rationalization.

The reviewer notes the biggest antagonist isn’t a rival gang but a loading screen that lasts longer than some marriages.

The Old Country is described as grandiose in script and grimly funny in atmosphere.

Players must choose between family first and boss self care, the latter being a wellness program for the criminal overlord.

Gunfights are dynamic, but the real suspense is whether your PC will survive the cutscenes.

The environment includes neon-lit pizzerias and mob-run bakeries; the aesthetic is carb-heavy.

Voice acting ranges from operatic to accidental mimicry.

The game’s morality is questionable in a way that sticks to your nerves long after you close the application.

There are long expository text messages from the boss that feel like emails from an overbearing uncle.

The Old Country maps are so lively you might forget you are supposed to be committing crimes.

Despite the melodrama, the mechanics are solid, and the review calls it a crime simulator with a conscience.

In closing the reviewer suggests the only thing more dangerous than a mob boss is a well optimized graphics card.

If you came here for a simple caper you got a lifestyle choice.