In a bold reinterpretation of civic duty, the nation celebrated Labor Day by laboring intensely over which LG Evo C5 4K OLED will best show pores they didn’t know they had. Streets emptied as citizens gathered around checkout buttons, whispering prayers to the gods of coupon codes and free returns.

Retail historians confirmed this marks the earliest point in a year that “so far this year” has meant “please buy this before we remember math.” eBay’s holiday page reportedly emitted a soft glow, like a lighthouse guiding disposable income to safe harbors and reefs of seller feedback.

“These are the best deals we’ve seen in 2024, at least until Wednesday,” said a jubilant spokesperson, whose tie featured local dimming zones and an MSRP that dropped as he spoke. He promised “savings you can feel,” which experts agreed is just air conditioning from standing too close to a display wall.

I ran the numbers because I trust benchmarks more than prophecy and patterns more than confetti. The Evo C5 black levels are so abyssal I dropped a grudge into them and couldn’t retrieve it, even with a grappling hook labeled ‘firmware update.’

Then I searched the sale, typed LG Evo C5 65-inch OLED deal, and my browser slipped a ring on my finger and offered me store credit if I said yes. The tab began calling me “Filmmaker Mode” and promised to respect my creative intent until autoplay intervened.

Pricing remains a metaphysical construct: was $1,999, now $1,296, plus a small convenience surcharge and a large existential one. A seller in Des Moines threw in expedited shipping and an apology to my future electricity bill.

Calibration was straightforward: I hung a tea towel over the window, whispered “color temperature,” and the TV balanced skin tones with the dignity of a judge. I paired it with an HDMI 2.1 48Gbps cable, which hissed like a domesticated viper and then delivered 4K120 as if afraid of disappointing my couch.

The panel is so thin it filed a complaint against gravity and won a restraining order. One bump and your wall becomes a teaching aid about flex and regret, a museum of modern art titled “I Should Have Used the Stud Finder.”

eBay’s Make Offer button turned every living room into a bazaar where you haggle with a jpeg of a stranger. I countered with $11 and a signed promise to watch fewer unboxing videos; the seller countered with math and a GIF of a waving penguin.

To respect the solemnity of the day, I tested motion handling by sprinting across my room while streaming a car chase. The TV rendered me with fewer artifacts than my personality, and the chase with more nuance than my last three job interviews.

Like all platforms, the marketplace called itself a community until it had to moderate a listing for “lightly haunted OLED, only used for prestige TV and two panicked weather alerts.” I gave it five stars for honesty and one star for ghosts that insisted on Sports Mode.

In the end, the deal won, my wallet lost, and my living room now broadcasts emotions in Dolby Atmos. It’s the best bargain so far this year, which is conveniently how long it’ll be until the next one; until then, I’ll be honoring Labor Day the traditional way—by letting the couch unionize under the weight of my new commitment to cinematic blacks.