Nintendo Alarmo is getting a Kirby-themed update, which is great news for anyone who wants their morning destroyed by an enthusiastic bubblegum singularity. The app now inhales your alarm tone, your excuses, and the concept of weekend.

I installed the update at 6:59 a.m., because I test claims against code and gravity. At 7:00, Kirby opened his infinite mouth and vacuumed my sleep schedule into a cheerful pink void while I applauded from inside the tornado.

There are new modes: Inhale, Exhale, and Existential. Inhale sucks up the snooze button and coughs back a calendar invite titled Face The Consequences; Exhale blasts you awake with star-shaped confetti and the sound of optimism dissolving.

Existential mode just displays a smiling Kirby while whispering you are entirely responsible for your choices until you confess and accept the day. It cannot be dismissed, only negotiated with via breakfast and honesty.

I synced the phone’s haptics, calibrated the volume to coffee-level urgency, and paired the room lighting to match Kirby’s pink rage. For ambience, I added a Kirby star projector and realized the ceiling now looks like a motivational sticker that ate the moon.

I read the full privacy policy so you don’t have to and because I make questionable use of free time. Alarmo promises not to inhale your data, then helpfully clarifies that inhaling your data is a core feature, but only the fun parts, like heart rate, location, and your top three rationalizations for sleeping in.

If you enable Cloud Puff, Kirby synchronizes your wake-ups across devices and time zones, presumably so you can be late everywhere simultaneously. Europe gets an additional toggle labeled Right To Snooze, which, when tapped, sends a polite letter to your boss and a pretzel.

In testing, I set three alarms labeled Gym, Definitely Gym, and Ha, Okay. Alarmo devoured the first two and then turned the third into a cutscene where Kirby ate my shame and burped a calendar. I compared the experience against a retro gaming alarm clock and discovered the only measurable difference is that the retro one can’t inhale my willpower.

Monetization arrives in the form of Star Bits, a currency you earn by awakening before the third apology. Spend them on skins like Kirby Wearing Determination or Kirby Wearing Your Deadline. For $2.99, a premium sound called Accountability Mode just plays your own voice saying I said I’d start on Monday seventeen times.

Accessibility is thoughtfully chaotic. There’s a gentle wake option that coaxes you with a soft breeze, and a less gentle option where a giant cartoon foot descends from the heavens Monty Python style and stomps the snooze button into a confession booth.

Hardware tie-in rumors suggest a limited-edition pink wedge of plastic you can place on your nightstand, shaped like hope. It will cost the price of rent in a reasonable city and ship with a cable that looks normal but knows despair.

Final verdict: This update is a triumph of user-centered coercion, a pastel hurricane engineered to convert REM into GDP. Kirby swallowed my snooze button, my procrastination, and, for good measure, the line between mercy and morning—then politely asked if I’d like seconds.