After months of rumors and two patent diagrams labeled ‘do not stand near mouth’, Nintendo confirmed Alarmo is getting a Kirby-themed update. Yes, the round pink vacuum with a face is now in charge of your morning.

In a bold UX pivot, the traditional beep is replaced by sound design described as ‘polite suction with boundaries’. If you ignore it, the alarm escalates from gentle inhale to full breakfast expropriation, or as marketing calls it, the Balanced Breakfast Loop.

Nintendo swears this is about wellness, not fear. Their wellness chart shows a dramatic rise in ‘consciousness compliance’ once Kirby threatens to absorb your duvet, your dignity, and any pillow that dares call itself memory foam.

The spec sheet is classic Nintendo: suction expressed in Waddle-Dees per minute, latency measured from REM to scream, and a disclaimer that Kirby does not technically eat you, he just stores you in a pocket universe of accountability.

In lab tests, we calibrated Alarmo against baseline devices and a control, specifically a ‘USB-powered pink desk vacuum’. Results were definitive: only one of these ate an entire calendar invite and then burped confetti that said ‘rise and grind’.

Monetization appears reasonable by 2025 standards, which is to say unhinged. For $4.99, the Snooze Pass grants five additional micro-naps per month, rollovers sold separately, with a commemorative sticker that says ‘I didn’t wake up, but I did engage’.

Privacy-wise, Nintendo states Kirby listens only for the words ‘five more minutes’ and ‘do not update right now’, at which point he ingests your excuses and anonymizes them into cloud fluff. The privacy settings are robust but mostly pink and sticky.

Parents can toggle Child-Friendly Mode, which replaces harsh suction with motivational pep talks from a plush accessory strongly hinted at by the UI as a ‘must-have’. That popup might as well shout ‘buy a ‘Kirby plush night light’ or witness bedtime anarchy’.

Early adopters reported minor bugs, such as Alarmo devouring the snooze button so thoroughly that time itself became optional. Speedrunners are thrilled, claiming a world record in Any% Get to Work Before Being Consumed.

Collectors will appreciate the Joy-Con Drift emulation, where the alarm sometimes drifts from 7:00 to ‘Fridayish’. Nintendo calls this nostalgic; HR calls it a conversation.

Setup is simple: place Alarmo on a flat surface, set the wake time, and accept the End-User License Agreement that begins with the word inhale. If you decline, Kirby inhales the decline button too, which, legally, is considered consent in Dream Land.

In conclusion, the Kirby update finally solves the morning by threatening to eat it. It’s adorable, it’s terrifying, and it’s the first alarm that literally removes the snooze button from the equation by swallowing it whole. Good morning, your excuses have been devoured.