WhatsApp announced it will limit how many messages you can send someone who isn’t replying, effectively inventing the world’s first Thirst Thermostat. Finally, a platform that looks at your eleventh “hey” and whispers, buddy, go touch some grass.

The blue ticks, long weaponized as tiny emotional guillotines, will now be joined by a pop-up that says “They saw it, they’re fine, move on.” The app also places a cool glass of water on your forehead and deletes your draft apology sonnet.

Businesses aren’t spared: bulk-message geysers are being turned down to a dignified dribble. Your “nurture journey” is now a “sip-nudge,” and the sales funnel has been humanely resized to a reusable metal straw.

I read the policy so you don’t have to, and yes, the section titled “We Value Conversation” is immediately followed by “But Not A Hostage Situation.” The algorithm measures patience, not just clicks; double-tapping silence now incurs a small shame tax.

Marketers are reportedly pivoting to consultants who promise to “optimize engagement in a post-beg world,” complete with laminated empathy funnels and a subscription to WhatsApp marketing automation software. It’s like a gym membership for your drip campaign, except the treadmill files restraining orders.

Grandparents, historically the nation’s leading exporters of unsolicited sunrise JPEGs, are furious. Nana says if she can’t forward the same angel GIF twelve times, democracy collapses. WhatsApp has countered by allowing one emergency “We miss your face” coupon per quarter, redeemable for a reply of “haha.”

Crypto evangelists have drafted a statement from the Blockchain of Sorrow: limiting DMs “without a response” threatens innovation, freedom, and their ability to invite you to a webinar about passive regret. A black market has formed where you can buy a polite “k” from influencers.

Teen couples report that ghosting has become energy efficient. The app replaces “typing…” with “thinking…,” then with “emotionally unavailable,” and finally with a helpful link titled “Boundaries For People Who Text Like A Fire Alarm.”

Productivity gurus recommend wearing a notification-silencing smart ring so you never respond, thereby forcing senders to hit the cap and leave you emotionally carbon-neutral. It’s like noise-canceling for neediness.

Privacy wonks wonder who pays for “free.” If silence is now a resource, prepare for Surge Pricing on Courtesy. Meta swears it won’t sell “Please Respond” booster packs, though a limited-edition sticker that says “Seen by God” is conveniently $1.99.

How it works: three unanswered messages trigger a pop-up reading “Maybe they’re busy.” Five messages: “Maybe you’re not their main character.” Ten messages: the app locks, plays lo-fi self-respect beats, and enrolls you in a micro-course called Let The Void Be The Void. Businesses must include an unsubscribe, a haiku, and a photo of a dog that’s honestly not even trying.

WhatsApp stresses this is about quality conversations, not censorship. Which is why the only unlimited message left is “Mom: Where are you???”—a text so powerful it gets blue ticks before you even receive it. The Thirst Thermostat might cap your begging, but trust me: Mom still has unlimited data.