In a move that startled bureaucrats and tweet historians alike, President Michel Aoun announced a sweeping policy: no armed groups allowed in the country.

The decree delivered with the ceremonial gravity of a coffee break memo, declares that Lebanon is now a no armed groups zone, effective immediately.

Aoun told reporters he was openly defying Iran by insisting the militia squads can sit this one out, preferably on the other side of the border.

To demonstrate seriousness officials planted a giant No Entry sign at the border followed by an advisory to bring a TSA-style patience briefing.

Analysts say this is the first time Lebanon has attempted a no armed groups policy since the invention of the doily.

The policy will be enforced by a newly formed unit called the Peaceful Coexistence Corps, equipped with clipboards, lanyards, and an unshakeable belief in dialogue over drama.

When asked how this would affect Hezbollah and other groups aides replied they are welcome to use the balcony of diplomacy just not the living room.

Iran for its part reportedly responded with a polite email read aloud by a translator we hired from a hotel lobby.

Lebanese citizens greeted the news with cautious optimism and an app that counts the number of times a government announcement contradicts itself.

Social media erupted with memes depicting a bouncer wearing a suit asking who has loyalty and a kebab shop offering armed protection as a promotional item.

Security analysts warned that keeping armed groups out could be harder than teaching a cat to fetch but praised the audacity of the plan.

Opposition voices argued the move is mostly symbolic theater designed to calm diplomats who still remember a past life before the civil war.

Aoun emphasized that Lebanon must protect its borders wallets and snack budgets from the disruptive influence of paramilitary deployments particularly during elections or festive buffets.

The President closed the briefing with a flourish promising more policy clarity to come perhaps a bill titled no armed groups but plenty of handshakes before the next coffee break.