In a move diplomats are already calling a ‘masterclass in denial,’ Israel rejected UN allegations that its forces sexually abused detained Palestinians, arguing the report reads like a soap opera script written by someone who forgot to pay their internet bill.

A Foreign Ministry spokesperson told reporters the UN document was ‘dramatic fiction,’ adding that the real drama involves paperwork and bureaucratic memos that move slower than a sentry’s coffee run.

The spokesperson insisted the word ‘allegations’ was used for legal reasons, not because the country has a secret talent for plumbing the depths of improvised scenarios.

Analysts described the response as a textbook example of deflection, featuring a lot of shrugging, a dash of humor, and zero new facts.

AP News, which broke the original story, was chided for providing ‘too much context’ and for making the official decision look too boring.

Rights groups urged calm, transparency, and a credible investigation, while noting that the UN’s patience is not a renewable resource.

In the street, Palestinians and supporters watched the briefing with a mix of disbelief and memes, as social media turned the press conference into a global roast.

International observers warned that this feud might outlast the latest ceasefire and could become the most durable drama since a bank holiday.

The UN reiterated its stance and announced it would continue its inquiry, which Israel countered with a demand for receipts, witness lists, and perhaps a coffee cup that proves the truth of the matter.

Cultural commentators suggested the episode reveals the farcical side of geopolitics, where human rights are debated with the gravity of a late-night talk show.

Economists noted that the market for rhetorical flourishes is booming, while the actual facts lag behind like a stubborn compliance lapse.

The day closed with journalists returning to their keyboards, the public awaiting the next plot twist, and the world learning once again that diplomacy is basically theater with a stricter dress code.