In a move analysts are calling ‘deluxe escalation with a side of paperwork,’ Israel announced it would expand its bombing schedule to a 25-hour day, arguing that more daylight means more time to meet the deadline for international headlines.

The briefing also confirmed the 24-hour toll of 89 Palestinians killed, a figure that has somehow become the calendar’s most reliable data point for the week.

The spokesperson insisted this is about ‘strategic patience’ and ‘maximized deterrence,’ while adding that the longer day will be perfectly balanced by shorter nights of moral clarity.

World leaders floated a so-called ‘Peace Time Zone’ where clocks are perpetually set to ‘mañana’ to keep diplomacy from running over schedule.

Aid groups pivoted to morale relief, handing out cupcakes and posters reading ‘We promise tomorrow will be different—probably.’

Newsrooms unveiled a new beat: ‘Conflict Coverage in 3D: Dramatic, Desaturated, and Disposable,’ featuring graphs with more colors than there are ceasefire agreements.

The United Nations called for an immediate ceasefire and unhindered humanitarian access, while diplomats practiced the ancient art of saying ‘we condemn’ with the sincerity of a weather report.

At the checkpoints, journalists set up a ‘fact-check cafe’ offering espresso shots while validating casualty figures with a spreadsheet and a prayer.

Tech firms rolled out disaster-themed filter packs to help viewers cope, because nothing says ‘compassion’ like boosting your social feed with ‘grayscale trauma’ mode.

Analysts dreamed up futures where ‘enduring uncertainty’ becomes its own commodity, trading on a market that rises whenever a press conference ends without a plan.

Relief workers described their rounds as a scavenger hunt for basic supplies, interrupted by the occasional marching band of translators muttering ‘let’s do this again’ to calm nerves.

Residents turned balconies into makeshift news studios, delivering nightly updates to neighbors who pretend to be impressed with the extremely calm meteorologist who somehow always forecasts more ruin.

Cultural commentators insisted the only lasting solution is more dialogue, fewer memes, and a UN-approved playlist titled ‘Calm Down, Humans.’

As the day ends, officials admitted there are no guarantees for the next 24 hours, which is politics’ fancy way of admitting time itself can’t be trusted, but at least the punchlines keep arriving on time.