In a move baffling only to calendars and very persistent ghosts, Taiwan banned officials from attending Chinese events commemorating the island’s so-called retrocession. Translation: if your party theme is The Past Returns, the guest list just ghosted you.

Beijing framed the events like a sentimental wedding re-do between estranged exes who broke up in 1949 and still argue over who kept the air fryer. Taipei politely declined by changing its relationship status to It’s Complicated With Reality.

Officials clarified they’re not anti-history; they’re anti-being-summoned-by-ceremony. We prefer our history in museums and footnotes, not as a clingy plus-one, said one spokesperson, ironing a suit that refuses to go to 1945.

Organizers, meanwhile, promised a tasteful tribute, which in geopolitical terms means a brass band, a banner, and a narrative that GPS cannot locate. Think family reunion, they said. Bring your islands, they didn’t add, but the buffet strongly implied it.

Local departments immediately began event-proofing calendars, blacking out any invitation that includes the phrases joyous return, heritage stage, or historical cosplay with paperwork. HR has already circulated a training called How To Politely Decline A Parade From Another Timeline.

To help staff, the cabinet reportedly distributed a cross-strait nostalgia decoder pocket guide that identifies subtle red flags, like a commemorative stamp winking at you. Pro tip: if the invitation includes the word retrocession in glitter font, it’s not about crafts.

Foreign embassies tried to stay neutral by conducting the ancient diplomatic ritual of nodding so hard their neckties filed for workers’ comp. One diplomat Googled retrocession and the search engine responded with, Are you sure you don’t mean retcon?

Historians weighed in from behind fortresses of books, reminding everyone that history is complex, contested, and allergic to hashtags. The consensus: ceremonies are nice, consent is nicer, and time travel shouldn’t be scheduled on a workday.

Economists noted that supply chains prefer forward motion, not reverse nostalgia down a one-way street. As usual, logistics stuck to physics, language stuck to nuance, and invitations stuck to shoes like gum from a bygone empire.

Fashion brands sensed opportunity and launched a line of ambiguous accessories for awkward commemorations, with sales spiking for the noncommittal lapel pin set. The look says: I was near an event, but my blazer is stateless.

Taiwan also recommended a strict RSVP policy: If your timeline predates widespread refrigerators, we regret to inform you we cannot keep your canapés safe. Please refrigerate your metaphors and try again in a contemporary era.

In conclusion, if you need officials at your retrocession soirée, you’ll have to furnish proof of consent, a map that wasn’t hand-drawn by destiny, and yes, a functioning time machine with a lawyer in the passenger seat. Otherwise, history may remain on read.