In a move destined to haunt historians of paperwork, world leaders announced a historic deal that exists only in the fine print of nobody’s memory.

The press conference featured a banner that read ‘THE DEAL THAT WASN’T,’ a ceremonial handshake that fizzled, and translators whose main skill was saying ‘we’ll talk later’ in multiple languages.

Officials insisted the agreement was legally binding in spirit, which translates to ‘nothing you can sue over’ in most countries.

The draft was rumored to evaporate the moment it was printed, possibly absorbed by the coffee cup of the clerk who typed it.

Analysts described the terms as so indefinite they could justify nearly any policy, from freezing climate talks to funding a choir of interpretive dancers.

When pressed for a timeline, the chief negotiator glanced at a wall clock, declared ‘soon-ish,’ and walked away to consult a particularly confident weather vane.

Markets reacted as if a fire drill had occurred: indexes jumped on optimism, then slid on skepticism, and finally retreated to nap mode.

One diplomat admitted the ‘text’ consisted of stray punctuation marks and a doodle that looked suspiciously like a calculator, which somehow became the official plan.

The signing ceremony, it turned out, was more of a ceremonial photo op than a legal act, complete with proud photographers and zero signatures.

A follow-up press release praised everyone for ‘keeping expectations manageable,’ a phrase that should be taught in diplomacy classes as a cautionary tale.

Civic groups offered cautious applause, noting that no one lost anything they couldn’t pretend to lose, which is approximately how this kind of deal works.

Lobbyists celebrated assuming credit for the non-deal because their emails contained more potential energy than the actual deal ever did.

In global economics news, gloom was postponed; in fashion news, every blazer remained perfectly unwrinkled, proving that sometimes the best deal is to not sign anything at all.

Ultimately, the non-deal reminded the world that the most convincing negotiations happen when no one is actually negotiating, and yet somehow everyone leaves with a sense of accomplishment.