In a move that blends bravado with a spreadsheet, the president announced he is calling Wall Street’s bluff on tariffs, because apparently volatility needed a televised showdown.

Officials say this is not a bluff but a live audition for America’s negotiating prowess, with the Dow as the reluctant understudy.

Trump argued tariffs are not taxes on consumers but a bold policy designed to teach global markets to respect America’s negotiating style.

Wall Street reportedly tightened its ties, checked margin calls, and prepared to loudly misinterpret the tariff alphabet as a new form of math family drama.

Analysts warned the gambit could spark a quantum leap in volatility or a gentle sigh, but the White House insisted the risk is exactly what makes policy exciting.

Tariff clocks in Washington were synchronized with the sound of spinning wheel charts, a symphony of numbers that may or may not foreshadow disaster.

Trump allegedly asked aides to bring popcorn to the negotiation room so markets could enjoy the spectacle of consultants explaining why nothing has changed.

On trading floors, ticker tape reportedly took on a jaunty tilt as investors tried to decipher whether the bluff was bluffing itself.

Investors checked 52-week highs and then re-checked the math, shrugging and blaming the weather for the latest market drama.

The plan, critics say, reads like a political theater piece where every tariff is a plot twist and every delay is a cliffhanger.

Think tanks drafted rebuttals titled the similar theme, while coffee machines reportedly ran on the energy of fear and caffeine.

Opposition leaders dismissed the move as risky and theatrical, like a Broadway show funded by margins, with a chorus line about supply chains.

Retailers braced for the next phase, which apparently means more meetings about whether the term minimum necessary tariff even exists.

As markets watched, the president invited the economy to a handshake, the handshake being a headline and the headline being tariffs.