Donald J. Trump is scheduled to return to the United Nations like a library book that learned nothing in captivity. The Secretariat checked the fire exits, the microphones, and the definition of ‘diplomacy’ just in case it had been rebranded overnight.

In a building where sentences usually begin with ‘We deeply regret’ and end with a comma spliced to a footnote, staff are preparing for abrupt punctuation. Translators have updated their wills to include synonyms for ‘tremendous,’ ‘bigly,’ and ‘believe me’ in six languages and interpretive dance.

Security has set up a new screening lane marked ‘Metaphors, Hyperbole, Unaccompanied Claims.’ Veteran ambassadors remember the last visit as a weather event: partly cloudy with a chance of nickname hail. Umbrellas will not be distributed, but protective smirks are encouraged.

Meanwhile, the world arrives with both shoes on fire. Gaza and Ukraine are not headlines but house alarms, and the General Assembly is the neighbor politely asking the flames to keep it down. The UN is a group chat with 193 admins; Trump’s push notification reads: ‘All caps, no context.’

He is expected to materialize at the rostrum behind a gold-plated travel lectern calibrated to reflect only flattering angles. Advisers promise a speech that is ‘off-the-cuff’ but also ‘on-brand,’ which is to say the cuff is bedazzled and the brand is volume.

The American delegation reportedly workshopped a menu of proposals arranged by spice level. ‘Mild’ is calling for unity while threatening the thermostat; ‘medium’ is a peace plan with a tip line; ‘extra hot’ is sanctioning Tuesday.

On Gaza, drafts include phrases like ‘the best ceasefire’ and ‘a deal so symmetrical both sides will need mirrors.’ On Ukraine, the outline offers ‘top-shelf peace, no receipt,’ pending availability of adjectives and a runway for credit taking.

The Translation Services Unit has issued a Rhetorical Fog Advisory and will attempt to translate ‘many people are saying’ into evidence. They’ve also practiced rendering applause breaks in Portuguese as ‘surprised hand claps following verbal confetti.’

Delegates from small states practiced deep breathing and clutched their noise-canceling diplomat earpiece like rosaries for multilateralism. A Baltic envoy asked whether there would be a question period; a Caribbean envoy asked whether there would be a question mark.

The UN gift shop has stocked ‘Make Treaties Again’ caps and snow globes where miniature globe fires politely refuse to go out. There’s also a limited-edition lapel pin that reads ‘Working Lunch’ but looks suspiciously like it skipped breakfast.

Protocol has prepared three walk-on options: triumphant march, patriotic saunter, or aircraft-carrier entrance with invisible soundtrack. The weather inside the chamber is expected to be humid, as statements rub against each other until sparks produce another statement.

When the gavel finally falls, everyone will declare the session productive in the same tone used to describe an airport layover that didn’t end in a sleepover at Gate 47. The humor will arrive, per tradition, on a diplomatic passport—stamped ‘return to sender,’ declared loudly at customs, and claimed by no one but the punchline.