In a move that would make a bureaucracy professor smile, the UN announced a ‘Sexual Violence Blacklist,’ a sweeping framework intended to catalog nations by how spectacularly diplomacy can derail when the calendar is full and the coffee is cold.

Israel was warned it could be added to the list any day now, while Hamas has somehow already secured a front-row seat on the inaugural edition.

UN officials insist the list is less about crimes and more about ‘the theater of reforms,’ a fancy term for ‘we needed a new spreadsheet and the printer was lonely.’

A spokesperson clarified that the blacklist tracks bureaucratic missteps rather than crimes, a distinction that sounds impressive until you realize it’s just a fancy way to count footnotes.

Observers noted the UN’s coffee budget topped the charts, and the whole enterprise might be more about morale than morality.

Israeli officials, asked for comment, said they’re ‘consulting with multiple departments about better record-keeping’ and promised to bring a color-coded Excel sheet to the next meeting.

Hamas responded by saying they are ‘honored to be on the list and will bring snacks’ to the next Security Council session.

Analysts described the scoring method as ‘a Rubik’s cube wrapped in a memo,’ likely to leave even the most optimistic diplomat dizzy.

The UN hinted that inclusion could trigger mock sanctions like ‘three-language apologies’ and ‘mandatory courtesy bows’—which sounds terrifying if you have stage fright.

Social media erupted with memes, including a globe wearing sunglasses captioned ‘Global diplomacy, now with more spreadsheets.’

Inside the UN building, the coffee machine seems to be the only thing not overwhelmed by the new policy, continuing to produce suspiciously strong espresso.

As the list grows, diplomats insist this is all in good faith, and the world continues to watch a bureaucratic melodrama unfold with slide decks instead of plot twists.