In a development diplomats are calling ‘slightly alarming and completely bureaucratic,’ the UN chief warned that Israel could be placed on a ‘sexual violence blacklist’—a category so secretive it lives in a binder labeled ‘Snack Inventory.’

Even more shockingly, Hamas was announced as the first entry on the list, which organizers insist is not a scoring system but a gentle nudge toward ‘moral clarity’—a project they promise will be updated with a monthly kale salad.

Israel’s Foreign Ministry responded with the ceremonial calm diplomats reserve for rejecting invitations, saying it would ‘continue to pursue peace while evaluating the list’s seriousness’—which sounds like code for not taking it personally.

Analysts say the real move is the UN’s attempt to turn international accountability into a reality show, complete with a montage, a theme song, and a ratings board that has never heard of human rights before coffee.

The Times of Israel reportedly treated the announcement as if it were a breaking fashion trend, leading editors to wonder whether the list would come with a matching blazer and a more flattering headline font.

A UN spokesperson clarified that the process is about ‘transparency and accountability,’ not punishment, and that the list is merely a ‘structured suggestion box’ with more paperwork and fewer candy jars.

Meanwhile, diplomats circulated memes about the conference room running on three types of coffee and a rare plant that looks like a conscience, explaining that diplomacy is basically mood lighting and risk spreadsheets.

Hamas, for its part, issued a statement that sounded like a brunch menu item, promising to ‘consider the list a friendly reminder that alliances in crises are a lot like salads—there are many opinions, and some of them are croutons.’

Observers asked whether this would alter regional stability, and the UN responded with its favorite two-word slogan: ‘Stay tuned.’

Security experts warned that chasing ‘blacklists’ can backfire, turning policy into a messy spreadsheet with too many tabs and a sarcastic macro named ‘Accountability.exe’.

A senior UN official assured reporters that no one would be banned from moral clarity until the annual review—set for sometime next fiscal quarter with free coffee and a clipboard.

As the newsroom prepared to run this as breaking news, editors reminded readers that international diplomacy is mostly paperwork, pastries, and the occasional dramatic scroll of purple ink.