Home Sales Soar; Wallets File Missing Persons Report, Ask for Witness Protection
America just sold more houses and somehow made fewer people able to live in them.
Business
GM To Report Earnings Before Bell; Wall Street Brings Earplugs and Confetti
Analysts expect a beat, a miss, and divine intervention, in that order, simultaneously.
Dow Futures Up as Markets Price Hope, Tesla Vibes, and Diplomatic Coupons
Five Bubble-Proof Tech Stocks For When AI Trips On Its Own Cord
Investors So Nervous, The Market Installed Seatbelts On Candlesticks
Dow Futures Rise Gently As Fed Preps To Clear Its Throat
Wall Street Wonders If Columbus Discovered the 'Closed' Sign Again Today
Five Carmakers Plead Not Guilty, Blame Emissions on Gravity and Feelings
ChatGPT Now Talks To Spotify And Zillow, Marries You A Loft
Gold Soars After Hearing Humans Still In Charge Of Everything
AI GPS Proudly Launches You Into Ravines to Unlock Adventure Mode
Starbucks Closes Five; Snohomish Braces For Unfrothed Reality
Top AI Wizards Flee Tech Giants, Launch Company With Fewer Meetings
Top Researcher: AI Isn’t a Bubble, It Just Redlined the Economy
Auto Parts Giant Files Bankruptcy After Carpooling $10 Billion In IOUs
Economy Says Income Up, Wallet Still Hiding Under Couch
America’s Soybean Glut Finally Achieves Enlightenment: No One Wants It
CISA Pulls Fire Alarm as Cisco Zero-Day Learns to Pick Locks
Disney Investors Outraged Kimmel Time-Out Lacked Merch, Demand Receipts
Trump Touts Unproven Autism Cure; Science Requests Receipt And Manager