We Churn. You Believe.
Hurricane Melissa arrives like a diva headliner, insisting we hold her drink, her press conference, and our collective breath.
Science confirms dinosaurs were living their best lives moments before space delivered a strongly worded boulder.
EU Unveils 19th Sanctions, Gets 20th Free on Loyalty CardEurope bans more molecules than a chem lab and still finds room for dessert.
Russia Puts Champagne Back, Learns 'On Hold' Isn't a Love LanguageKremlin officials went from smug to refresh in one calendar flip, proving hope is a poor Wi-Fi signal.
Taiwan Bans Retrocession Parties; RSVP Now Requires a Time Machine and a LawyerTaiwan just told history to stop sliding into its DMs with anniversary invites.
Doctors Without Borders Debuts Bold New Therapy: A Locked DoorIn a groundbreaking medical trial, access itself was removed and outcomes were somehow expected to improve.
Pakistan, Afghanistan Launch 48-Hour Ceasefire; Snooze Button Sold SeparatelyPeace announced on a trial basis, like a streaming service with two free days and no customer support.
Freed Hostages’ Families Thank Many, Discover PM-Resistant Gratitude VariantFamilies reported life returning in cautious clicks and heartbeats, while one handshake was retired for underperformance.
Home Sales Soar; Wallets File Missing Persons Report, Ask for Witness ProtectionAmerica just sold more houses and somehow made fewer people able to live in them.
GM To Report Earnings Before Bell; Wall Street Brings Earplugs and ConfettiAnalysts expect a beat, a miss, and divine intervention, in that order, simultaneously.
Dow Futures Up as Markets Price Hope, Tesla Vibes, and Diplomatic CouponsWall Street stretches before dawn, decides optimism counts as cardio, and calls it a rally.
Five Bubble-Proof Tech Stocks For When AI Trips On Its Own CordAnalysts unveil stocks so bubble-resistant they come with a squeegee for your optimism.
Investors So Nervous, The Market Installed Seatbelts On CandlesticksWall Street is vibrating at a frequency only dogs, algorithms, and CFOs can hear.
Dow Futures Rise Gently As Fed Preps To Clear Its ThroatDow futures creep upward as America waits for the Fed to tap the mic and scold the thermostat.
OpenAI Unveils Atlas, A Browser That Wants To Read You FirstOpenAI released Atlas, a browser that loads pages, judges your tabs, and might schedule you therapy.
Jon Prosser And Apple Enter 'Active Communication,' Exchange Emojis And SubpoenasApple and its favorite spoiler are apparently texting each other in all-caps, with lawyers typing the emojis.
Arc Raiders Reveals End Time; Timezones Demand Premium DLCIn a bold strike against calendars, Arc Raiders announced an end time and a date, as if time were DLC you could preinstall.
WhatsApp Caps Thirst: Unanswered Messages Now On A Strict DietIn a bold stand against digital pleading, WhatsApp just installed a speed limit on desperation.
Intel CPUs Raise Prices in Korea, Now Overclocking InflationKorean PC builders report their CPUs now benchmark wallets, with frame rates measured in sighs per second.
Leak Reveals Pokémon Roadmap: Detours, Toll Booths, and One Giant SnorlaxInsiders say the next decade of Pokémon is mapped on a coffee-stained napkin guarded by a Jigglypuff with tenure.
Country Star Admits Cheating; Guitar Files Divorce, Hat Seeks Custody Of BarstoolAmerica nods, checks the tracklist, and wonders if the dog knew before the chorus did.
America Sets 6 A.M. Alarm To Worry About Legendary Morning HostIn a rare plot twist, morning TV became the breaking news it usually reads.
Well-Known Prime Minister Identified As Redaction With a ChauffeurA posthumous memoir allegedly names a 'well-known Prime Minister,' and every publicist suddenly discovered selective amnesia and full-body swivel.
Taylor Swift’s 15th No. 1 Forces Billboard To Add Feather Boa ColumnAmerica briefly pauses rotating to applaud as Swift turns another chart into a catwalk with legal counsel.
TRON Skids at Box Office; Roofman Climbs to Second Without a LadderNeon met shingle this weekend, and the shingle charged an installation fee.
Potomac Adds New Housewife: Alleged Fraud, With Tagline 'I Plead Fabulous'Wendy Osefo and her husband allegedly auditioned for a spin-off titled Law & Odor: Potomac PD.
Portugal Wins, America Panics; Alex Morgan Gets a Farewell Plot TwistPortugal beat the U.S. 2-1, Alex Morgan waved goodbye, and the script called in sick.
ESPN Debuts ‘Inside the NBA,’ Physics Files for Workers’ CompESPN launched Inside the NBA so smoothly the teleprompter negotiated a no-trade clause.
BYU Reports Availability, Lists Hope as Probable and Knees as Day-to-DayIn a brave act of medical fan fiction, BYU unveiled who might exist in Ames.
Brian Burns Explains Tunnel Video, Blames Gravity and Giants’ VibesAfter a viral tunnel exit and a morale pothole, Brian Burns finally uncorked explanations.
NFL Week 7 Awards: Chaos MVP, Panic Coach, and the Clock That WonWeek 7 sifted winners from losers like a colander made of flags, whistles, and existential dread.
Notre Dame Sprints Past USC While Rivalry Negotiates Witness Protection ProgramJeremiyah Love turned the Coliseum into a treadmill, and USC forgot the incline button existed.
Texas Deploys Robot Telescope Army; Stars File For Witness ProtectionIn a bold plan to make space personal, Texas built a robot army that stares politely at infinity until infinity gets uncomfortable.
AI Spills Tea on Milky Way’s Monster Black Hole, Universe Requests ManagerScientists asked AI about the galaxy’s central abyss; it answered like a therapist with a bullhorn.
Scientists Admit Moon Keeps Leaving Its Lights On To Spite UsExperts confirm mysterious lunar lights are either physics, pranksters, or rocks doing jazz hands.
Interstellar Rock Ghosts Earth, Books Hotter-Than-Sun Date With SunAstronomers report 3I/ATLAS is headed behind the Sun, like an ex dodging texts but in heliocentric IMAX.
What Happened to Webb’s Little Red Dots? They Lawyered Up.NASA’s teeny cosmic crimson celebrities vanished faster than a grant when the reviewer logs on.
Scientists Debunk Chicago Rat Hole, City Demands Refund From NatureChicago’s favorite rodent-shaped void turns out to be a people problem with excellent branding.
School District Fights Meningitis With Thoughts, PowerPoints, And Spirit WeekA deadly bacteria found a host; the adults found the BCC line and caps lock.
Breaking: Vaginas Demand Plus-One Treatment; Men Finally RSVP 'Required'New guidance says men should get treated too, shocking exactly zero vaginas and three overconfident podcasts.
Scientists Debut Universal Kidney, Finally Solves Blood Types, Not Dating TypesIn a triumph for medical science and group chats, researchers unveiled a kidney that plugs into anyone without asking about their blood type—or their horoscope.
Experts Advise Movement; Blood Clots Demand Safe Spaces From JoggingGroundbreaking revelation: walking still beats congealing; chairs file defamation suit and lose on all counts.
Breakthrough Compounds Tell Nerves ‘Undo,’ Neurons Demand Back PayScientists unveil molecules that coax damaged nerves to grow up, move back in, and remyelinate like remorseful exes with a U-Haul.
Man Told He’d Have Alzheimer’s By 2000 Still Waiting On BackorderDoctors predicted a memory meltdown; he keeps remembering where he parked instead.