We Churn. You Believe.
New research says your heart sends alerts like a clingy app; you just keep swiping ignore.
Groundbreaking study suggests humans, like houseplants, perk up when exposed to the giant light in the sky.
Starmer Warns Farage Will Split UK; Free Glue With Every VoteBritain braces as Starmer warns Farage's policies could turn the Union into craft-night confetti.
Seychelles Schedules Democracy Do-Over, Cites Tied Score and Tropical OvertimeAfter no outright winner, Seychelles hits democracy’s snooze button and orders a rerun stocked with sunscreen, suspense, and an iguana on logistics.
Netanyahu Outraged Nations Recognize Thing That Already Exists, Demands Geography ApologizeFurious at cartography, Netanyahu condemned Western capitals for recognizing a Palestinian state, insisting maps are just aggressively colored rumors.
Drone Books Beachfront Chaos; Tourism Board Rates It ‘Two Stars, Too Explosive’Eilat’s latest uninvited flyover turns the Red Sea resort into a masterclass in slapstick geopolitics.
China Pledges to Cut Emissions; Planet Immediately Checks Fine PrintBeijing vows to trim its atmospheric waistline while the sky holds its breath and asks for receipts.
Trump Declares Europe Hellbound, UN Requests Return ReceiptIn a speech that doubled as a weather alert, Trump announced Europe is on a nonstop bus to Hell with no bathroom breaks.
Top AI Wizards Flee Tech Giants, Launch Company With Fewer MeetingsIn a daring act of corporate parkour, elite AI minds left three motherships to found a leaner ark with more equity and fewer slides titled Roadmap.
Top Researcher: AI Isn’t a Bubble, It Just Redlined the EconomyA leading expert says investors are staring at bubbles while AI slams the gas and steals their lunch.
Auto Parts Giant Files Bankruptcy After Carpooling $10 Billion In IOUsAmerica’s check engine light just blinked bankruptcy, as a parts behemoth fishtails on $10 billion of debt and four bald metaphors.
Economy Says Income Up, Wallet Still Hiding Under CouchAmerica earned slightly more and immediately spent it like a raccoon at a glitter buffet.
America’s Soybean Glut Finally Achieves Enlightenment: No One Wants ItAmerica planted optimism and harvested a mountain of unsellable legumes with great mouthfeel.
CISA Pulls Fire Alarm as Cisco Zero-Day Learns to Pick LocksAmerica’s routers are asking for thoughts and prayers; CISA is asking for the plug.
Magic x PlayStation: Press X To Pay-2-Life (And $49.99)Wizards unveils a crossover so inevitable it came pre-shuffled with your credit score.
Apple Builds Chatbot to Coach Siri, Accidentally Gives It FeelingsApple created a ChatGPT-style coach for Siri, proving even virtual assistants need performance reviews and therapy.
DJI Unveils Camera So Light It Qualifies as a RumorThe Osmo Nano weighs 52 grams, shoots 4K120, and barely has the decency to cast a shadow.
Apple Watch Now Diagnoses Your Salt Intake As A Personality TraitIn watchOS 26, your wrist becomes a tiny blood-pressure therapist who bills in notifications and judges in confetti.
Bethesda Whips Away Indy Clip After Kirk-Shaped Cloud AppearsIn a daring museum heist of their own content, Bethesda yanked an Indiana Jones clip the second the internet shouted, “Hey, that cloud looks like Charlie Kirk!”
Zuckerberg To Reveal Future, Promises It Will Definitely Need an UpdateMark Zuckerberg will unveil the future like an app launch, complete with crash reports and microtransactions for hope.
Dolly Parton Pauses Vegas; Rhinestones File For UnemploymentDolly Parton postponed her Vegas run for health reasons, and even the slot machines sent flowers.
Keanu and Alex Await Godot, Find Excellent Void, Party On, AbsurdityKeanu Reeves and Alex Winter turn Beckett’s emptiness into a blockbuster of nothingness and timing.
Shatner Fine; Orders Tabloids And AI To Walk The PlankWilliam Shatner declares himself perfectly fine and bravely takes on his two arch-nemeses: gossip magazines and calculators that learned feelings.
Duchess of York Announces Fifth Comeback, Gravity Files Restraining OrderBritain wonders if Sarah Ferguson can rebound again while gravity checks its insurance.
Crunchyroll Declares Anime Gigantic; Scientists Confirm It Blocked Out the MoonAfter ‘Infinity Castle,’ Crunchyroll says anime is so big it needs zoning permits and a helmet.
Leaked Memo: WWE Confused As AJ Lee Wrestles Like It’s About WrestlingCompany reportedly shocked to learn audiences cheer when the moves mean something.
Ryan Day Credits Defense; Offense Thanks GPS For Finding End ZoneRyan Day praised Ohio State’s defense so hard the offense filed for witness protection.
Mike Kafka Declares Jaxson Dart The Future; Time Politely Requests ReceiptsGiants OC Mike Kafka saw one start and immediately ordered a parade permit.
Rory And Tommy Reunite; Bethpage Orders Extra Earplugs And Holy WaterRory McIlroy and Tommy Fleetwood reunite at Bethpage, and New York responds by practicing whisper-yelling.
Mariners Clinch Playoffs, Seattle Remembers How to Exhale Without RainSeattle celebrated so quietly you could hear a gull negotiating a performance bonus.
NFL Discovers New Sport: Block The Ball, Panic LaterSpecial teams became chaotic neutral, and the ball now believes in self-defense.
NFL Week 3 Prop Bets: Wagering on Meteorology, Astrology, and Punting RegretGamblers nationwide fire up spreadsheets and incense as Week 3 promises rich data and poorer decisions.
Chinese Space Station Accidentally Invents New Bacteria, Crew Requests Plot ArmorOrbit just got its first startup: an unknown microbe pivoted mid-flight and launched a franchise.
World's Most Sensitive Detector Tightens Net, Finds Only Its Own FeelingsScience’s quietest machine turned the volume down on the universe and heard disappointment louder than ever.
Dwarf Planet Admits It Has Gas, Scientists Pretend Not To GiggleMakemake just burped methane across the Kuiper Belt and Earth’s finest straight‑faced adults are trying very hard to call it “data.”
NASA Extends Dream Chaser Contract, Promises Rocket Will Chase Dreams, Not BudgetsNASA and Sierra Space freshened a contract so hard the paperwork achieved low Earth orbit.
Scientists Teach Lasers to Gossip About Earthquakes, Internet Cables PanicNew research suggests your Wi‑Fi hairball can hear the planet’s tummy rumble before your dishes do.
Sun Wakes Up, Immediately Prank-Calls Earth’s Wi-FiAfter a 20-year power nap, the Sun stretched, yawned, and knocked your internet into 1997.
RFK Jr’s Anti-Vax Crusade: Policing Moms, Ghosting ScienceRFK Jr found a cure for nuance: blame mothers, ban facts, and call it wellness.
Measles Returns To Cache County, Says Vaccines Are So Last CenturyCache County got one measles case and immediately auditioned for the role of 1912.
Skip One Daily Ritual, Study Says Pancreas Files Hostile-Workplace ComplaintIn today’s episode of Panic Pilates, a study says skip one habit and your pancreas updates its will.
Strategy Beats Ozempic 5x: Turns Out, It’s Knives, Not VibesIn a plot twist nobody predicted but every surgeon suspected, rearranging your intestines outpaces rearranging your calendar for injection day.
Study Finds Miracle Pill: It's Aspirin, Please Pretend To Be SurprisedIn the latest plot twist, the humblest tablet in your junk drawer just outperformed a kombucha TED Talk.
Maryland Suspects Avian Flu After Vultures Quit Living On The JobOfficials fear avian flu, vultures fear nothing, and I fear you’ll Google “is smudging a bird.”