We Churn. You Believe.
In a plot twist that could only happen in a world where logistics meetings run on coffee and prayers, aid shipments turned back from Gaza and settled into a comfortable life in regional warehouses and on the shoulder of a highway.
From sunbathing to shade-seeking, the region sprints through a heat spell that's less a weather report and more a reality-TV finale.
Relief on Hold: Aid Shipments Discover New Careers in Warehouses and Roadside Exhibits
In a plot twist that could only happen in a world where logistics meetings run on coffee and prayers, aid shipments turned back from Gaza and settled into a comfortable life in regional warehouses and on the shoulder of a highway.
Southern Europe Declares Heat Wave a National Sport, Trains Fans to Sweat in Style
From sunbathing to shade-seeking, the region sprints through a heat spell that's less a weather report and more a reality-TV finale.
Trump Unleashes Tariff Tsunami, Markets Apply for Life Jackets and Emergency Bailouts
In a move that flooded the global economy with more waves than a reality show confession, the administration unleashed a tariff tsunami.
Smotrich Approves E1 Plan, Calls It a Real Estate Opportunity for the West Bank
In a move the political world is calling bold on legal pads, Bezalel Smotrich announced his approval of the E1 settlement plan in the West Bank, proving paperwork can move faster than peace talks.
Smotrich Greenlights E1 Plan, Instantly Rewrites West Bank as a Monopoly Board
Bezalel Smotrich announces the approval of the E1 settlement plan with the bureaucratic flair of a late-night infomercial.
Europe's Sequel: France, Germany, and the UK Prepare to Reinstate Iran Sanctions
Europe's favorite diplomacy sequel arrives as France, Germany, and the United Kingdom vow to reinstate sanctions on Iran, because nothing says progress like another round of paperwork.
Say goodbye to the beeps and boops: AOL dial-up exits, and the internet finally learns to whisper
After decades of screeches, the dial-up era ends as the internet finally learns to load in silence.
Trump scolds Goldman Solomon over tariff research, vows to audit Wall Street for 'imaginary tariffs'
In a spectacle fit for a weekend ratings surge, Trump publicly rebuked Goldman Sachs’ Solomon over tariff research.
S&P 500 Breaks 6,400, and Investors Immediately Demand a Caution Emoji
The S&P 500 clears 6,400 for the first time, and the grown-ups in the stock market instantly issue a caution flag that somehow sounds suspiciously like a dare.
Microsoft Offers Meta AI Talent Multimillion-Dollar Pay Packages, Because the Cloud Needs a Mortgage Now
Microsoft attempts to rent Meta AI dream team with multimillion-dollar payoffs, turning the talent market into a high-budget dating show.
SoCal Spare Room Becomes Black Market Lab After $30,000 Labubus Stash Found
Southern California police uncover a $30,000 Labubus stash in a quiet home, turning a sleepy suburb into a supply chain sitcom.
Stocks Hit All-Time High as Japan Bond Sale Struggles to Find a Buyer
Stocks hit all-time highs even as Japan's bond auction flopped, proving markets can strut and stumble in the same calendar.
Mafia: The Old Country review proves the real mob boss is your CPU.
In a move that could only happen in a late charging cycle of your gaming PC, critics reveal the game is less about crime and more about convincing your hardware to work for the family.
RileyCS Banned for Battlefield 6 Cheating, Twitch Reinstates After Pixel-Perfect Investigation Finds It Was a Glitch
Plot twist: Twitch banned RileyCS for alleged Battlefield 6 cheating, then unbanned them after officials blamed a glitch.
Google Vet Raises $8M to Forge Continua, Putting AI Agents in Your Group Chats
An eight-million-dollar bet aims to turn every group chat into a polite, endlessly efficient board meeting—minus the actual meetings.
NASA Announces Contractor RIF: Budget Crunch Reaches for the Stars
In a move that would make any rocket scientist blink, NASA unveiled its contractor RIF plan, proving even space has HR.
Spreadsheet Crown Declares Baseball's New Greatest: Bonds Beats the Babe
A data-driven crowning ritual for Baseball's new Greatest proves the spreadsheet has more fans than most managers.
Apple's M4 MacBook Pro Slashes to All-Time Low Price, Wallets Rejoice and Bank Accounts Brace for Impact
Apple has slashed the M4 MacBook Pro price to an all-time low, and your bank account now has to decide whether to applaud or cry.
Travis Kelce and Taylor Swift Say Dating Feels Normal: 'We're Just Two People in Love'
Travis Kelce and Taylor Swift insist dating still feels normal, turning 'normal' into the hottest new product in celebrity branding.
Jonas Leaks Camp Rock 3 Plans to Escape Hot Ones, Apologizes to Disney
Joe Jonas allegedly exposed Camp Rock 3 plans as a wing-choking bailout from Hot Ones, because fame apparently hates pepper.
Aniston and Paltrow Form Mutual Ex Brad Pitt Update Newsletter
Jennifer Aniston and Gwyneth Paltrow reportedly spent a sunlit afternoon trading Brad Pitt anecdotes and brand tips, proving that exes can collaborate without filing restraining orders.
American Eagle Foot Traffic Falls Nearly 9% Year-Over-Year Amid Sydney Sweeney Controversy
Shoppers blame a rumored denim embargo and a viral Sydney Sweeney meme storm for the latest mall misfortune.
Denim in Distress: American Eagle Foot Traffic Dips 9% as Sydney Sweeney Controversy Becomes Impulse Buy Epilogue
Retail data meets celebrity gossip in a fitting room saga where the only thing dropping faster than jeans is public tolerance for scandal.
Travis Kelce Says Dating Taylor Swift Still Feels Normal — We're Just Two People In Love
In a development so wholesome it's almost suspicious, Kelce insists their romance remains perfectly ordinary.
Vikings Training Camp: J.J. McCarthy Earning High Praise, Added Pressure
The rookie quarterback's rise has Minnesota buzzing and everyone else sweating the potential disruption of the pecking order.
Chiefs Coach Andy Reid Declares Noise Optional, Winners Mandatory
An NFL press conference that sounded like a corporate retreat, where Andy Reid declared noise optional and winners mandatory.
Training Camp Report: Aug. 12 — Steelers Unveil Revolutionary Drill: The Hurry-Up Snack Break
Day one of training camp reveals a team sprinting toward the snack table as much as the end zone.
Vikings Training Camp: J.J. McCarthy Earns High Praise, Added Pressure
J.J. McCarthy earns high praise at Vikings camp, but the added pressure already comes with its own workout routine.
Monica Seles reveals she has myasthenia gravis, declares 'game, set, unsteady'
Former world champion drops a news bomb with more nerve than a tiebreaker and more heart than a sports movie finale.
Driving 100 MPH? Myles Garrett Publishes a Self-Questioning Cheat Sheet
A speed scare becomes a self-help seminar as Myles Garrett unveils a cheeky quiz for drivers who think 100 mph is a personality trait.
Scientists Announce Warp Drive Is Now Possible—And They're Taking Reservations.
In a press conference that felt suspiciously like a campus coffee hour, scientists declared warp travel finally exists.
Astronomers spot something totally new in space, promptly declare it the universe's latest mystery and call for a press conference
In a discovery so fresh it still smells of stardust, astronomers unveil a cosmic newcomer that demands a press briefing, a grant proposal, and the occasional existential crisis.
Perseid Meteor Shower Declares Itself Tonight's Free-Admission Sky Show, Popcorn Not Included
The cosmos is rolling out a glittery night-sky performance, and you don't need tickets—just a blanket and a decent flashlight.
Room-Temperature Quantum Breakthrough Takes Physicists by Surprise, Thermostats Reassigned to Desk Lamps
In a news cycle already heated by coffee and conferences, a team claims to have coaxed qubits into coherence at room temperature.
Space hurricane crashes North Pole on sun's day off, meteorologists beg for hazard pay.
On a day the sun apparently took a vacation, a space hurricane roared over the North Pole and left weather apps filing for a sick day.
Crews Bound for Mars Will Need All-New Ascent Vehicle, Space Agency Admits Original Model Was Basically a Staircase
Space agencies announced that landing on Mars is only half the battle; getting back off requires a brand-new ascent vehicle, preferably with a warranty and a sense of humor.
AI Erodes Doctors’ Cancer-Spotting Skills Within Months, Study Finds
In a twist straight out of a sci-fi clinic, researchers say AI's efficiency has quietly eroded doctors' cancer-spotting instincts.
Ultra-Processed Foods Sabotage Weight Loss, Even When You Think You're Being Healthy
A new study warns that ultra-processed foods could derail weight loss even for people pretending their diet is virtuous.
Cuff-Based Blood Pressure Readings Admit They Lie—and Doctors Propose Fixes Involving Calm Arms and Coffee-Free Zones
A routine checkup uncovers the unsettling truth: your arm's mood swings are sabotaging blood pressure numbers, and science has a plan to fix it.
Massachusetts Mosquitoes Declare 'Peak Time' for West Nile, 10 Towns in Mosquito Time Zone
Massachusetts officials announce West Nile virus is in peak season in 10 communities, because apparently the bugs have a calendar and a better sense of timing than most of us.
MS Was There All Along, Leaving Hints Years Before Anyone Asked for a Diagnosis
Turns out your nervous system was RSVP'ing to the MS party years before you even knew there was a guest list.
Legionnaires’ Outbreak Hits NYC as Officials Admit They Still Don’t Know What It Is or How You Could Get It
New York City's latest health scare turns public water into a mystery thriller, complete with a baffled press conference and a prompt to 'Google it' on your own time.